secrets on feathered ink

2011-04-23T16:59:00.001+08:00

in the past when i see a relationship isnt working out i will raise the STOP sign and doing the whole disappearing act.

or just a single character trait about the person which i cannot foresee myself tolerating, i will choose to turn and walk away.

this time, i dont know whats so different about this time. Him. I find it pretty lame that im even wasting time pondering oer this issue. I dont know what's holding me back. Or rather, i know whats holding me back, but im holding on for the very same reasons.

He is stable. In every sense. He is almost the guy who makes the checklist on most average girl's list. A stable job, a stable life, a stable future, most of all, a very stable man. Put a tick on all the 5Cs. Car, Condo, Credit Card, Cash, Career. I wasnt so aware of all these 5Cs until recently my friend had to remind me of how lucky i am to have found a man like him. A man so full of a future to build the rest of my life with. (?)

Me. Im the total opposite. Instability seem to tagged along as a faithful friend, a shadow in the late afternoon sun, stretching as far as the height and length of the tree by the roadside, even taller than me that sometimes it runs out of control over me. Fidelity. Wild, a good kind of wild (as he always say about me). No career, no cash, no car, no condo, no specific future to pin point to. The only card i hold is a Debit Card that relies on how much i have available in my account, which is mere pathetic.

They say opposites attract, but it seems it is the exception in our case. We are at the far ends of opposites, never to cross paths until that fateful day when fate decides to play a prank. Maybe it's the fact that he is so different from all the guys i have met that i felt almost obliged to know him more and to be in his good shoes. Maybe it was the fact the I was desperate to cling onto something stable for once in my life that i forgo any other chances i may have with anyone else for it was this stable drug that i needed to be accepted by my mates to prove the fact that i wasn't abnormal to be leading the kind of carefree life i enjoy so much, although in their eyes, i was wasting my life away. Most of all, i guess i was trying to make sense to my mother who thinks im senseless to be still fooling around.

What they didn't know was that through the lessons i learnt while being that carefree person was that i became more thoughtful of others and more passionate as a living human being with a soul. They definitely saw my improvements as i become more humane, but they sort of chose to attribute those improvements as part of me becoming more mature with age, not choice. Age did play a part, though i daresay not a very big part for i was very aware of how OLD i was getting.

It was mostly these two years that i 'wasted' that made me the more compassionate person i am now. The two years of working in different lines although mostly different service lines, but it is the work that taught me the most of becoming human. I was trying so hard to be who i wan others to see me that i end up making myself look weird and confusing to them.

Now, when i stop trying and start living as the person i am, people like me more, even i like me more. they always say they are very comfortable with me even when they first meet me, no silence awkwardness in the air or whatsoever that makes a person fidgety. i guess i am now very comfortable with myself, i have accepted the person i am and learn to love myself more that i need not be concerned with how others see me as.

Thats why people feels comfortable with me because i am comfortable with myself, which is a very important thing that people tend to overlook coz its all about the looks now. This is also why he felt so comfortable with me that we forget that we are supposed to be a couple in love, not an old couple who's so used to each others' presence.

This is also another reason im holding on to this relationship, and ALSO the reason why i want to let go of this relationship. To be really frank about it, we barely even know each other and we only just started the relationship, but because of this air of comfort-ness that swims around me that we just spend time in each others' company not saying much about each other,but just updating about our everyday lives, trying to make them sound as interesting as possible because there's really nothing else thats interesting about our relationship except when we become physically intimate. Goodness.

What do i have to do now. What should i do. I know but choose to ignore, because remaining status quo seems to be the best bet now. Consequences and solidarity is hard to bear.

2011-01-25T20:48:00.000+08:00

is this still our secret meeting place?

i miss you.

2009-12-29T01:34:00.003+08:00

i want to be a writer...

and when i finally figure that out, i begin to have doubts.

what have i done with my life?

have i got experiences that can be spun into tales to be printed with ink on paper for millions and even billions to see?

can i put emotions clearly through the use of words other my very expressive facial muscles?

and after going through some of those doubts i had, i decided those doubts were irrelevant. if this is what i really want to do, no doubts should have the ability to waive my determination to fulfill that dream of becoming a writer.

thats it. I ended a very simple argument with myself.

i want to be a writer.

2009-11-18T10:07:00.001+08:00

BRACESSSSS

is fxcking painful...................................................................................

2009-11-06T00:31:00.011+08:00

你不是真正的快乐 - 五月天

词曲:阿信编曲:五月天

人群中哭着你只想变成透明的颜色
你再也不会梦或痛或心动了
你已经决定了你已经决定了

你静静忍着

紧紧把昨天在拳心握着

而回忆越是甜就是越伤人

越是在手心留下密密麻麻深深浅浅的刀割

你不是真正的快乐你的笑只是你穿的保护色你决定不恨了也决定不爱了把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳

这世界笑了

于是你合群的一起笑了

当生存是规则不是你的选择

于是你含着眼泪飘飘荡荡跌跌撞撞地走着

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从不肯完全的愈合
我站在你左侧却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了然后才后悔着

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从不肯完全的愈合
我站在你左侧却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了

你值得真正的快乐

你应该脱下你穿的保护色

为什么失去了

还要被惩罚呢

能不能就让悲伤全部结束在此刻

重新开始活着

we should have just smiled and accepted the fact that we are not working hard enough and we deserved all the cold and harsh remarks that were thrown on us.

crying has no use in reality. humanity doesnt exist in reality. there's no genuine in reality.

In REALITY, nothing is REAL.

but in our own world and space that we create, reality doesnt exist, so we can put everything else that doesnt exist in reality in that world and space we have created.

and maybe we'll find something real there.

2009-10-18T18:37:00.007+08:00

lets make a sail and drift off towards the center of the earth where nobody can find us.

lets pretend we're ants and work hard everyday with a 99.9% chance of someone squashing you to your death under their feet.

lets exchange roles with the person we hate the most and see the world from his eyes.

THEN

maybe we will bring Hope, as we learn to be more understanding and forgiving.

maybe we will Treasure, as we become stronger fighters and be appreciative of every moment we get staying alive.

maybe we will Love, as we become aware of the people who've existed in our lives, and the wonderful and sad memories those people have given us.

Because only in solitude, and only when we have lost the things and people who were always there, we are able to put down our pride and nonsense like that to see things more clearly and acknowledge the fact that no human being can be self-reliant.

my best cluedo buddy

2009-09-25T18:16:00.001+08:00

lets buy the office version and put ourselves in the CONFIDENTIAL envelope and be the murderers and kill ourselves.

SEE, what a simple game, i wonder why so many people dont understand how to play.

i thought we are stupid, they are stupid-er. HAHA!

HOLIDAY in our own world!!!

2009-09-01T21:16:00.004+08:00

CLICK THIS LINK (to listen)!!!

MY ZHONG SHENG DA SHI

2009-09-01T16:22:00.003+08:00

I am getting married. To my career (if there is any to being with). hahah.

Studies shows that people spend 70% of their waking time at WORK. Choosing a career is like choosing a partner - to spend the rest of your life with. Its not an easy task, and often, we will make the wrong choice.

"This is WHAT I WANT", I thought to myself. "I WANT TO BE A LAWYER AND EARN LOTS OF MONEY, SO THAT I CAN GET PENTHOUSE, BMW CONVERTIBLE, BUILD MY OWN KTV ROOM AND A POOL TABLE IN MY LIVING ROOM".

GET STARTED. Work and gain experience, save up for my tuition fees to study in NUS / SMU law school. Ok, find job, found a job, work and work, work OT, don't know what I am working for, no personal time, people WOW when I told them I am working at a law firm, get angry and frustrated, go home vent my frustrations on everything and everyone in the house, get pay, pay goes to creditors, and the cycle repeats.

It never cross my mind that my plan is not even realistic! How to get into NUS/SMU in the 1st place? Ppl told me i should try to apply, got interviews and all, but I am competing with ppl from TOP schools & GIFTED from other countries. What are the chances of me being selected? Use common sense and think. The thought is too far fetched. And if miracle happens, it would mean that I will be in debts.

Thought I found the job I would settle for, but after what happened, I realised I was wrong. Want quit also find it hard to quit. Cuz my boss got the impression that I am going to work there for at least freaking 2 years. Why torture myself.. Just leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES.

WAH I VERY LONG WINDED. LOL. BUAY TAHAN. CONCLUSION = CAREER = HUSBAND/WIFE.

GET GOING!

2009-08-31T13:51:00.003+08:00

lets get going!!! lets get a move on with our lives!!!

JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

you dont only move when you see a green light, you go as and when you allow yourself to be the GREEN LIGHT!

GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its a miracle

2009-08-28T09:54:00.012+08:00

its a miracle

that i woke up.

its a beautiful morning.

Good Morning, World.

A long torrential rain

2009-08-27T18:47:00.003+08:00

stop pouring...

be it the sky or me.

Rain, rain, go away...

2009-08-27T18:43:00.002+08:00

its been raining the whole day already.

the sky is as dark as the clouds hanging above my head.

i just hope and pray, that the rain will go away...

EXPLANATIONS!

2009-08-27T18:18:00.002+08:00

i need explanations, tons of THEM!!!!!!!!!

i need people to explain to me why they give instructions like chasing for a train.

i need explanations, 10000 Lorries of them!!!

i need explanations to why im staying at home when im not a housewife.

i need explanations, one whole GALAXY of them!

i need explanations to your behaviour.

i need explanations to why a msg was left just like that.

i need explanations why you affect me so much.

you make me hate myself. i hate you for making me hate myself . i hate myself for hating you for making me hate myself. its a never-ending circle.

i hate to run in circles.

our (no-link) story

2009-08-27T17:37:00.002+08:00

can
will die if you leave it alone
always a big gap when we are close

and in that big gap, its all your incapability to choose and all my inability to let go.
an ocean apart because of our similarities and our differences.

i blame you. for being you.

him

To: You, From: Zombie. A MSG

2009-08-27T17:32:00.003+08:00

wah. i really failure to the max

want play download game oso cannot. bloody blank page. play what shit.

stupid games stupid people stupid com stupid screen stupid keyboard stupid retardeds everywhere.

i hate to drink coffee i hate to talk on the i hate people who drive

you got mail.= snail mail

i love to eat ,but i dont like to eatlike the french.

i want to go to a to be a free and take many pics w a real . but i need an . i need so tt i can buy myself s.

i am happy.

i am angry

i dont feel

i dont like when people talk and gossip.

i want to be , but i always , coz my face blood circulation too rapid but not coz im blushing in front of

confused as to what im saying? nvm. im confused too.

dont have to feel you are to odd one out, coz at the odd one out corner, i will be there when you come and join me.

it just rained outside, now got .

dont want to watch , just wana listen to .

using hotmail to send you this msg.

lets party!

my secret msg

yw

slowly

2009-08-27T13:25:00.006+08:00

if the hear the raindrops, you will know its the rain thats falling outside your window.

if you hear the bees buzzing, it may be that there are flowers nearby.

if you hear the teardrops, you may think its the rain, raining in someone else's heart.

if you hear the phone buzzing, it may not be him calling, because he will never call you just to hear your voice again.

if you don't hear them, you may be free.

Free to believe
that there are raindrops when there isn't rain;
that there are bees when there's no flowers;
that there's a phone that never rings; and
that teardrops are crystals that falls from the window of your soul, being crystals that have no value at all.

then you can smile. because you tell yourself that you are free.

and then, maybe, you'll be alive.

YOU'RE EXCUSED

2009-08-26T13:48:00.003+08:00

hi

its me, Louise, your personal correspondent angel.

i heard that, like, you just made a confession, and like, i know how it feels like, like, you know, like, to make a confession, like, on a blog that like only 3 people can read. Like you know, you, yw and the Holy One above us all.

Like i soo understand, like, what you are going through. Like the other day, while i was shopping for flowers, like for my, like, best pal, I bought the wrong kind of flowers for her. But she told me she like totally forgive me and she totally like love the flowers.

its like, you know, like, best pals dont mind what kind of mistake you make, like even if you forgot that they are allergic to lilies, but you like still bought them for her.

so like, dont worry about your mistakes, ok. Like who doesnt make mistakes right.

so like, whatever that like got you down, like, its going to be ok. Trust me, i know that.

EXCUSE ME

2009-08-26T12:49:00.004+08:00

ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!! SIQIN I HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR EXCUSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DON'T PUT THE BLAME ON OTHERS WHEN YOU ARE THE ONE AT FAULT!!!!!

IT'S YOUR PROBLEM!!!! NOT HIM, NOT HER, NOT THEM, BUT YOU!!!!!

It is so ez to just push the blame to others rather than putting them on myself.

EVADE RESPONSIBILITY. in addition to HARDSHIP.

I need to face the FACTS. Fact tt im not up to it. Im incompetent, i didnt check my work, i didnt use my brain and think. i didnt put my heart and soul into what i am doing, I hate it when i cant get things done properly, resulting in my frustrations and urgh to quit, to leave this place where I was made to feel stupid, dumb, retarded, burden, trouble, useless.

I really wanna escape.. I hate the voice within me tt says "You LOSE if you quit, u quit not because u dun like to be a secretary, not because u like hr work (u dun even know what they do), not because you are still young, and every other excuses you have come up with, it is because you are incompetent, u are not hardworking, you are not focused, you are not motivated, you CANT do things well, and YOU cant get things right and you dun have any brains to think." I will be defeated by myself.

DONT BLAME the environment, DONT BLAME my boss, DONT BLAME anyone.

ITS ME. I WAS THE SOURCE OF ALL MY PROBLEMS. EVERYTHING HAPPENED CUZ OF ME.

From now on, wadever problems will be my problems. i will be responsible for it. I must not COMPLAIN. I must not grumble. I must not throw rubbish at yw.

Learn to handle problems and shits the right way. whether i get to leave this place, fate will decide, on Friday.

I want to be proud of myself.
I want to be honest with myself.
I can lie to the whole world, but i cant lie to my heart.

I hope u will be truthful to your heart too, yw.

Nagaei Ohyashume [Long Vacation]

2009-08-25T16:10:00.003+08:00

when everything isn't going on well in our lives, or when we keep on hitting into rocks,
and when we get tired,
we pack our failures into our luggage and go on a long vacation.

And on that long vacation, we can stop trying so hard,
stop trying to mend relationships,
stop trying to work for our goals,
stop pushing ourselves,
stop focusing on being tensed all the time,
stop thinking for others,
stop thinking about how to make a living,
stop thinking about how to live our lives.

Because we tell ourselves,
that this is a God-Sent LONG VACATION.

and on that LONG VACATION, we will just wait.
Wait for the rules to change.
Wait for the spotlight to finally shine on us, the by-standers.
Wait for our turn to shine under that spotlight.

And then, maybe things will turn and change.
Maybe, they will all turn and change for the better.

i guess on this long vacation, we will finally stop thinking for ourselves too.

Happiness!

2009-08-25T11:48:00.002+08:00

Lets FIGHT for it!!!

we do what we must to get our happiness!

Its just that it may not be a happy journey while fighting for it... ARE YOU READY!!!???

GO!!!

happiness is not far away.

Hantu FESTIVAL

2009-08-21T17:13:00.004+08:00

LETS CELEBRATE!!!! its holiday!!!! Yay yay!!!!

notice i put four exclamation marks???? and four qns marks???? its because it's our friendly neighbourhood ghosts and hantus and pontianak and spirits' HOLIDAY!!!!

and WOW,,,, so coincidentally,,,, i just came back from MY holiday,,,, too bad i cant join them for their holiday.... Awwww.... but i prefer not to join them anyways....

before i went on my trip,,,, some human species try to scare me with 'sui gui' (water ghosts) stories.... but luckily,,,, im a person of faith and strong morals,,,, so im not afraid,,,, especially since i sleep with all the lights and tv on!!!! see how resistant i am to the non-living things????

but no matter how much i choose not to believe in the non-living things,,,, i do respect them and understand that its necessary for them to have a holiday.... and PLS,,,, people and living things in this world and dimension,,,, stop scaring yourself with pontianak following you home or hantus waiting in the corner to scare you,,,, stop,,,, JUST STOP!!!! even you yourself take a holiday sometime right???? and i believe you take a holiday more than once a year,,,, unlike our friendly neighbourhood ghosts and hantus and pontianak and spirits.... so STOP TORMENTING THEM and YOURSELF by burning incense paper and wasting food supply by placing them everywhere on the street!!!!

Im talking about you people,,,, YES YOU!!! ESPECIALLY THAT AUNTY OVER THERE!!!! you think the tree can eat apples is it???? place them all over the void deck and under all the trees near your house,,,, whats the meaning of it la!!!! Aunty,,,, use your brain la,,,, if you think the tree or cement floor can eat apples and oranges,,,, we wont need so many farms to grow them already,,,, we can just dig from the cement's stomach or the tree's stomach,,,, if they have one la....

sighs.... i pity our friendly neighbour hood ghosts and hantus and pontianak and spirits.... hardly they come out and have a holiday once a year,,,, people want to organise getai to scare them back to hell with all that lousy porn jokes and freakingly disgusting singing.... sad ar.... i think most of our our friendly neighbourhood ghosts and hantus and pontianak and spirits prefer to not come out,,,, i think some who bother to visit us is those like me,,,, only book a 3D/2N stay....

so anyone who is humane enough should stop abusing and terrorizing our our friendly neighbourhood ghosts and hantus and pontianak and spirits,,,, and as the old saying goes,,,, let them R.I.P (Rest In Peace).... After all,,,, its their HOLIDAY!!!! so let them have fun, joy and peace!!!!

and may i add,,,, stop scaring yourself with horror movies,,,, especially those where you can see our friendly neighbourhood ghosts and hantus and pontianak and spirits in the mirrors....

but i guess to some people,,,, the ghost is in their reflection in the mirror. so try looking in the mirror today,,,, it doesnt take the Hantu FESTIVAL to see one....

hahahaha!!!!

FIGHTING!

2009-08-21T02:30:00.004+08:00

qin, be brave and just throw that letter.

not into the bin, but onto his desk!

JIAYOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dont patronise your own happiness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you live only once, do what you feel will fulfill your life even more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you know you can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just do it!!!!!!!!!

im not infringing nike's tagline right? hahaha!

i lend you my hand to throw the letter!!!!!!!
just pretend the hand thats throwing the letter isnt your hand but my hand, get it????

ok, now, go, aim and THROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MSG ME ONLY AFTER YOU DID IT, OR ELSE DONT USE YOUR COWARD HANDS TO MSG ME AT ALL, OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ME

2009-08-20T13:33:00.007+08:00

omg. I dont understand why, but reading my posts makes me laugh and makes me feel that HEY IM A PRETTY SMART PERSON TOO EH! hahaha!

well, what can i say, it's just ME! Mocking Existence no more! Im a Miracle Executor! hahaha! See, it's just ME!

oh save your praises for ME when you see ME.

finally, a post ALL about ME!

2008-11-24T16:48:00.003+08:00

omg. im already doing my fourth posting for the day.

not that im that bored, but because there's really nothing more interesting than our blog right now, not that i can think of anyway.

oh. bernie.

oh. bernie.

oh. bernie.

ok. i shouldnt make this entry seem like a spam message.

i have so much thoughts in my head lately but i find it very hard for me to express them. maybe im not feeling right. maybe i've lost my philosophical touch. Or maybe im just too emotionless to write emotionfully about my thoughts and emotions.

i feel so much older than the kids my age, yet most of them have already passed their birthday this year.

10-12-1989

just a few days more and im 19. how old is that? VERY.

i cant believe im hitting the 20s and using SK-II products.

oh no. im old.

BANG! (well, not actually)

2008-11-24T13:36:00.005+08:00

Recently I got involved in a minor car accident. To be more precise, I got involved in a car-and-person accident, the person obviously being me.

It all happened after I got off “work” at my father’s eatery.

I was doing the normal human act of walking and making my way to the train station in area where it was peace and quiet most of the time. Ok, I wasn’t just walking; I was brisk-walking because of the drizzle.

There I was (brisk-) walking happily and at the point when I stepped out to the PEDESTRIAN zebra-crossing, a car (obviously speeding before this) came to a SCREECHING halt.

Being the person I am, who is so afraid to die (especially to die young), I was shocked and thus fell onto the floor before the car even knock me off my feet – which was lucky, otherwise I would have really got banged.

The car, or rather the car plate, was thisclosetomyface.

But luckily (considering the odds), the only injuries that I sustained were my swollen bum and my scratched left palm.

I could have sued that bastard who was driving the car, but I didn’t because I was kind-hearted enough and I was only suffering from minor injuries and I couldn’t afford a lawyer. Ha-ha.

The weirdest thing amongst the others – people shouting at the driver but refusing to help me to get up and the driver not willing to get out of the car to examine the state of the situation – was that, me being the poor victim of the whole accident had to hurry to get up and out from the crime scene, being that the “crime scene” was preventing other evil drivers to get through as I was “sitting” in the middle of the road.

You don’t need a rocket scientist to tell you what those bastards are thinking, not especially when rocket scientists are usually low in EQ.

When I got up (painfully) and continue my way to the train station, which now seems a mile away, everyone and every thing went back to its routine and the picture was so normal, which left me wondering:

Did I fell when that dreaded driver came (almost) crashing into me? Or did I just sit on the road casually like I was having a picnic on the asphalt road?

I have this hunch that many thought the latter, because they all seem so fine about the accident.

_____________________________________________________________________
just another thought.

i have always resisted getting a licence to be a driver because i was always hoping that i can afford to be chauffeured.

i havent and will not change my stand on not getting a licence because now i've found a new reason why i shouldnt get a licence: i am as reckless as that bastard who almost knock me down; in fact i can visualise myself driving a brand new car for the very first time and killing 3 people in a row.

Hana and Alice

2008-11-24T11:25:00.002+08:00

friends.
boys.
love.

ALICE
I forgive you for not joining me for dinner even though I made it.
I forgive you for missing my childhood.
I forgive you for separating me and Dad and leaving me alone at home.
i forgave you so i wont leave you, mum.

I forgive you for lying.
I forgive you for missing out on my first ever chance to stardom.
I forgive you for placing him before me in your heart.
i forgave you so i will forever be there for you, Hana.

wo ai ni.

zai jian.

Thank you.

ALL IT TAKES - a face

2008-11-24T08:56:00.006+08:00

wow.

Im very amazed at how one person can hate another just by looking at the face.

and may i clarify, a face that looks pretty average and - may i emphasize again - NORMAL, and to some extent beautiful, at least to those who saw and know me.

GOSH. but can you believe this WEIRDO who's got the weirdest hairdo and weirdest face and weird ATTITUDE comment that i have a stuck-up attitude merely by the impression of my FACE.

see. in this moral decayed society, you can even find people who hates you not for who you are, but because of your FACE - which in my opinion is such a hooligan behaviour.

[i guess its the same case with love, most dont love you for who you really are, but by the judgement of the face or appearance. see how superficial people are in both extremes of love and hatre.]

Try visualizing a bunch of gangsters staring at another bunch of gangsters and a fight breaks out just because they dislike the stares which were generated by the very same object of attention: the FACEs. Its pretty usually in the back alley scene, but in an OFFICE, where self-proclaimed civilised human beings reside for almost half their pathetic lives, how possible is that???

well, let me answer that.

VERY, EXTREMELY AND ULTIMATELY COMMON.

*shrugs* I guess we all still live and behave like our ancestors: the Primates/ the Barbarians.

all it takes is for one to look at the FACE and start disliking it.

it is the FACE that triggers most office politics and the mouth that aids the worsening of the office politics.

and what a betrayer the mouth is. To assist the gossipers as a weapon to harm the existence of the face.

Forget it. I will not speak untill my face has forgiven my mouth.

so what happens after this? QUE SERA SERA???

2008-11-21T15:47:00.009+08:00

Well. SIP is finally ending and im supposed to be happy.

But im not.

Its weird sometimes, especially at times when you desperately want some things or events in your life to go away or end, but when it finally ends or go away, you are at a lost because you’ve spent so much energy wishing and praying for them to end.

In my case, I was wishing, praying and BEGGING for the three years here in Temasek Polytechnic to end.

However, something bigger is waiting for me at the end of the stretch of this run in Temasek Polytechnic – my future.

What’s going to happen after graduation?
What will I pursue?
Will I further my studies?
Should I start working to pay my education loans?
Should I pursue my dreams??
To be an artist?

To be a lawyer?

To be a chef who’s afraid of the heat in the kitchen for beauty's sake?

Or my personal favourite: a FASHION designer?
Will I be able to strike rich with my dreams and live happily for the rest of my life?

The biggest question of all: what is my future going to be???

I am very worried about my future, because it will or may determine what kind of life I will lead for the rest of my life. If I pursue a law degree, am I limiting myself as to the choices I may have later on in life?

Someone told me that it’s better for me to further my studies than to start working and then studying after that.

It’s not that I don’t plan, but it’s just that the future is so unpredictable that I don’t like to lay down my odds so early in life; but then again, it’s never too early to plan for anything, like the motto of my previous CCA – Be PREPARED – the girl guides motto.

After much reflections, I find that my biggest obstacle isn’t my unplanned plans, or my unrealistic dreams, or is it my never-ending questions; it is MY FEARS of the future, of the unknown ahead that is pulling me back – back from stepping ahead, back from moving on in life – and the reason why I am always living in the past.

I can’t move on if I am constantly afraid of the future and the things it may bring.

If I can’t move on, I will be constantly dreaming about the future and not do anything about it. I know very clearly that dreaming doesn’t bring me far; in fact it doesn’t bring me anywhere at all.
So now I sit here asking myself: what’s left of these?

What’s left of my life, my dreams, my education and my future?

But I’m still sitting here and I’m still not giving deep thoughts to my supposed plans.

“So what happens after this?”

But what ever it is, tomorrow will always come and the future is just a day away, so why don’t I make the best out of me today which was yesterday’s tomorrow that I feared.

What a lame conclusion but isn’t this what people’s doing everyday?
Telling themselves to make the best out of today and live the day complaining about it?
See, I’m not the only one who’s afraid.

amijusthopefulornaive?

_____________________________________________________________

Some things just never changes

2008-06-11T06:46:00.005+08:00

Today is probably one of the days in history where i wake up early - not for school, yesss! - and simply open my eyes to witness the break of dawn.

Not that im suffering from Insomnia, but i do suffer the weirdest sleep disorder - SLEEPWALKING. Scary huh. The point is quite rarely do i motivate myself to wake up early in the morning at 5+am for anything that is beyond obligations.

Today my sister left along with my mum and the maid to Genting Highlands. So, I will probably eat weeds, ok, more like Maggi, and shed some tears when I miss my sister, or even my maid, seeing how spoilt I am that staying in the household seems to be a bigger chore than to actually do them.

I guess some things will never change – how I rely on people especially when they are paid to be relied on and the habits of human nature.

It was said by a sociologist, I can’t remember who – another habit of mine - that habits form by people or the habits they exercise everyday of their lives become a mark on them. This mark cannot be changed – like how the leopard will never change its spots, but however can be replaced with another behaviour. Simply speaking, if my habit is that I tend to rely on people too much, I can replace it by doing things for myself in a continuous cycle so that it becomes my replacement habit.

I would be glad if the list ends there with me being just lazy, but there are always these many tendencies that lies within me like a parasite to be habitual which I can name a list which will go beyond what I intended to write here. There are trademarks about me that can’t seem to go away, duh, so they are MY TRADEMARK.

Being late, may I stress NOT fashionably late but late as in for minutes past someone’s patience, to the point of being hours-ly late for appointments with people. The strange thing is that I will never be so late for classes; maybe it was the effect of having work and tangible STRESS when I do go for classes that made the push.

Being a pushover is certainly not an image I carry but sometimes I do sway to being that just because I don’t want the person to get hurt or feel miserable about themselves if they consciously know that they can’t control me. Allowing acts or manners to be inflicted on me isn’t a sign of weakness, sometimes it just goes to show how unbothered I am to deal with the issues the people were trying to put across to me. Therefore, although sometimes I behave like a pushover, please reconsider that thought, because sometimes I just can’t be bothered with the fuss that you are throwing.

Being there for someone seem more like a MUST-DO than a sincere-can. Therefore some resort to being physically there to show how they CARE. Ultimately, it becomes a chore instead of the age-old definition of being there for someone. The more outrageous ones even TELL you that they are there for you but stray FAR from the fact; being the ONLY fact and truth is that YOU are the one who is there for them ALL THE TIME and for you to hear (not listen because the things they say are perpetually on a replaying-loop tape) their cry-outs on their pathetic life with ever-recycling problems that they don’t want to deal with, yet speaking of which ALL THE TIME. It makes one feel sad sometimes being the FACT that they are friends to others, but none for them.

Being desperate is DEFINITELY an image a few of my friends carry. It is their need of constant companionship that they feel naked otherwise. Well, some actually went to the extent of being naked for the sake of that constant companionship they used to enjoy. That wasn’t a trademark they use to carry, but it just became such an important need that they sub-consciously give in to every want of their partner that they become desperate when the time calls for it.

Some things beyond me and within my closest circle of friends like trust and communication have been broken before, some due to the fact of their habits like the ones mentioned above. It was like watching a black-and-white film that is jammed on the rolls, stuck at the scene where it hurts the most, but later brings no emotion to watching it as it merely becomes an image on the screen when the significance of it dies away.

These things that never changes become more than a habit of a person, it complicates into implications it brings to the people around them and those implications which revolve into the consequences surfaced today. Habits are a subconscious thing, whereas consequences are a FACT that lies straight to your face. That’s why when consequences occur, some develop new habits – like censoring their ears or eyes and pretending the fact isn’t there. When that censorship occurs, the issues will literally become the tape, ever-rerunning, ever-repeating scenes which give the illusion of having Dejavu-s.

But everything aside, the thing that never changes is the friendship we share – no matter how many threads and needles have been used to sew the pieces back.

some things never changes, yes i do agree, but it would be nice if the good things that doesnt change someday surmount those bad ones because life is too short for those things that never changes.

shut ears, open mouth

2008-05-24T17:15:00.003+08:00

Im very impressed but to a greater extent fascinated at the way an individual can manage to yak away in the presence of her almost true friend - her telephone, and pretend to not hear any sound uttered by the other individual at the other end of the line.

You see, a phone WAS designed in way that it functions for both receiving and allowing the transmission of sound/noise/radio wave. I believe that it is only called a TELEPHONE when both sides of its functions work. However, my belief was prove to the contrary.

My possibly greatest friend of all time has proven me wrong. For nearly half-an-hour, her telephone managed to function without the receipting part. It was both a miracle and a shock that she didnt thought that there was someone over at the other end of the line looking at the way she yak non-stop about her life of ever-recycling problems* and that I could keep my mouth shut for so long without telling her to shut up.

Im sorry but it is annoying to a great extent when i have to hear the same old things every time that individual and i have a conversation, not that im not listening to almost replications everyday of my life and events that have no signicant difference being that they all seem to be on a tape that plays on loop and im betting that some of you, if any reads this and finds it 'surprisingly' similar that you have come across, no dont worry, you are not experiencing a bad case of dejavu, no, its just me ranting away at how annoyed i am and how used i felt towards being used for the purpose of her monologues which never seem to end. Im sorry if that individual im referring to reads this and starts crying-s, for im merely stating truths.

It is also illogical that she only uses the end portion of that device which WAS supposedly invented for the purpose of communication. COMMUNICATION being that two parties INTERact, not SOLOact. If the function of a telephone is for the purpose of 'soloact' - i.e. monologue, to be more specific, HER telephone being for the purpose of monologuing, then may i ask, what is the use of the upper portion of the phone - the part of the phone which transmits the sounds made by the other party to the supposed 'listener', explaining for the purpose of in any case any idiot who has not been in contact with any of this aged old technology?

Notice how many "s"es i have used throughout my discussion about that particular individual? Yes, I thank God and appreciate the existance of the the letter "s" and that poor pathetic individual that this entry was ALMOST written for who made the existance of the letter "s" a gift from heaven basing on the number time that individual made it possible for the letter "s" to be used. And no, let me emphasise again that this entry was not made for her, but for the discussion of everything else except her, i.e. the purpose and the existence of a phone, "s" and a phony friend. Opps, did i just say "phony friend"? Ya, i was meant to do that.

*ever-recycling problems: problems that are TRIVIAL which can be resolved INSTANTLY and as compared to the problems the people in China are facing because of the earthquake SIGNIFICANTLY small that it doesnt stand to even a 0.000000000000001% AND consistently 'popping' and still existing due to the love that that individual has for the presence of it and choose not to address it, and yet has the TIME to complain and yak about them for almost half her life (or an hour EVERYDAY of her life to someone who is willing to listen without strangling her first).

see what i mean by contradicting-s.

HINNA!!!

2008-05-17T18:36:00.001+08:00

PLS BE SAFE!!!

I MUST LIVE IN DENIAL!!!!

2008-05-17T18:11:00.005+08:00

THIS NEVER-ENDING TOPIC ABOUT *****
WHY IS IT THAT I CAN NEVER LEAVE THIS TOPIC ALONE AND MOVE ON?????

i think its becoz everything else is moving on forward except that.
its a constant thing STUCK in my head.

WHAT ABOUT IT???

am i being too obsessed about it????????

ok, i cant not live in denial, because if i dont, i will b mopping every single day of my life eversince the start of this school term, to be more precise(what i was taught in law - to be clear and concise), eversince i found out that TRUTH/RUMOUR/WHATEVER!!!!

BUT whatever it is, it is not a fact, at least not yet (dear God, pls dun let it be a fact if u're advanced enough to receive prayers via internet, oh Lord Almighty, pls, PLS dont let it be a FACT).

urgh.

it wld be an awkward situation if I wasnt living in denial. i wld have to eat up ALL my ego before i can ever stop living in denial. i wld have to face him(coz im always ignoring him). he wld have to make a choice - bet that BOOBY MOTHER FXCKER BITCH and me.

+ if i stop living in denial, how should i respond to the hints that he was dropping - go ahead with a full confession about how we feel towards each other???? tag along in this game and start running along in the competition knowing full well that i wont outrun the other party coz of the DIFFERENCESSSS we share????????

DONT ALL OF U GET IT?????
it is a "MUST" that comes with a seal that I MUST LIVE IN DENIAL, or else, or else what???
i duno, bt im afraid to try. SO GUYS, STOP TELLIN ME TO STOP LYING TO MYSELF, BECAUSE I HAVE TO!!!!!

this thing called l o v e

2008-05-09T20:50:00.003+08:00

see those spaces between the letters.
they just go to show that from each letter to the next, there's always a period to go through - whether its time or obstacles - to reach the final phrase to understand the full meaning of LOVE.

Learning to wait for the one matters. Many may choose to love blindly for convenience sake, for the companionship, for stalling time till you find the
One while dating another so loneliness doesnt creep in on you.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO ADD AFTER L
because L is the only stage im at and capable of understanding.

HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-04-07T12:45:00.002+08:00

im throwing away wastages in my life, stacking up the unusables and unnecesseries for recycling.

IM GOING TO FIND MY PURPOSE IN LIFE AND WORK TOWARDS IT, SO NO USE TALKING ABOUT IT TOO MUCH WITHOUT ANY ACTIONS AND PLANS.

Watch out!

HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's been long since

2008-02-12T13:24:00.001+08:00

if only we had time to "stop and stare", in our words, "stone".

am i wasting time here?

maybe. but its been too long since im here.

the "closed" sign has been hung up for too long, here and everywhere around me.

one of my closest friends just put up an "open" sign together with a "closed" sign.
she hung it at her heart.
it is "open" for love but "closed" for her closest friends.
it haven't been long since.

i just had a heart-to-heart session with one of my closest friends last thursday.
she hung up the "open" sign for a friendship that was once lost.
it has been long since we talked so intimately.

it's been long since.
i didnt want it to be this way, but the choice doesnt seem to lie with me.

wait.

love exercising, love SWIMMING, love HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

2007-10-29T15:41:00.000+08:00

and most of all,
im enjoying my flatter tummy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i hope you are too!!!!!!

i like to have Yakult, or Vitagen or even better, VITAGEN COLLAGEN!!!!!!!!!

im having fruits for desserts... deliciously non-cholesterol-filled food... ahh... the joy of mother nature.

i want a nice figure where i dont have to suck in my breathe so that my tummy would "disappear", and a clean and clear(sounds like a brand,eh?haha) and beautiful and flawless face.
oh, how greedy i am, but its only of human nature, to want more out of everything they get.

ultimately, i love living this healthy lifestyle with my best pal - the greatest joy of all it brings when i know that at the end of the day, you'll still be by my side.

funny how we start to enjoy life in the time of rising calamity - global warming. hahahaha.

I LOVE TODAY

2007-10-26T22:02:00.000+08:00

TODAY is a HAPPY & HEALTHY day (:

i want to live everyday like TODAY.

I LOVE TODAY (:

thanks YuehWan,
for making today HAPPY
for making today TODAY
for making me LOVE TODAY (:

silent echoes

2007-10-25T15:23:00.000+08:00

The understanding of the screeching sound of a pindrop in an empty room - echoes.

The more you want to maintain the silence, the greater the surreality of the emptiness magnifies and echoes in the air that surrounds you.

this is my understanding of the echoing silence.

thy world is round

2007-10-25T14:59:00.000+08:00

Galileo Galilea was probably one of the earliest man who discovered that the world is round.

its true in a lot of ways.

The world is round, its not square and fair.

nothing is fair and nothing never changes.

just like any living creature.

thats why i always tell myself that its always better to not assume that i understand people, even best friends whom i have known for years. it is just a precautionary way of thinking.
because to me, whatever way would be way better than to act like you know them inside out.

man are everchanging, thus there can never be an ultimate understanding. the unpredictably predictable perception that everyone should hold in their mind and towards every individual they meet.

thats why the world is round, everything just keeps circling in changing swings and spirals.

Monologues through the ages

2007-10-25T13:55:00.000+08:00

Monologue is a common sight that can be found on the scripts of many theatre works, starting from centuries before. but i dont want to dwell on any ancient history and im not a historian, so im going to talk about the present, now.

In present days, monologues have become a tool to dominate conversations and also a weapon to exhaust others(even the non-listeners) of the less interested parties, and last but not least(definitely not the least cons of the way people uses monologues today), to prove the existance of one's capability of doing so - the mobility of the mouth and the stamina of the lungs and the throat.

i dislike people who come to me for a conversation and end up doing a monologue which last for almost an hour, most of the time. the reason for the disgust of monologues off-stage is mainly because it leaves me feeling unworthy of opening my mouth for an utter of words or noise in the ears of the beholder and the unworthiness makes me feel crappy for the sake of the supposed "conversation".

the whole "tangible" feeling is like a recorder thats alive - what im feeling when the other party is doing their monologue.

i have friends who love to do monologues off-stage. once i hit the "start" button, they can go on without even detecting that strong irritation radar i was sending off, by so you can see how STRONG their shield power are. Either that or their immunity system is overworking that it dispels the awareness of the feelings of another human being. to put in a single word, they're just being INSENSITIVE.

whatever reason it is that they enjoy doing monologues, it just ultimately goes down to one thing, they dont have enough attention on them, so they choose to get it all at one go by yakking non-stop, for fear that once they stop, the attention will drift off to somewhere they dont intend it to go.

blogging can just be another means of monologing, except the receiving party can choose to address it or not.

It's TOO LATE.

2007-10-25T11:16:00.001+08:00

i often oversleep- in life.

TOO LATE to do anything, to change anything.

what to do - the 3 words tts part of my life, the 3 helpless words, for e helpless.

so i tell myself, "DON'T go to sleep, so i wont b late."

but i couldnt control myself - i dozed off, i fell asleep, i went to sleep.

i set e alarm - to wake me up at e right time, but still i overslept.

i CHOOSE to snooze my alarm, i CHOOSE not to wake up.

(a life without choices is my life. ya right.)

e alarm within me - e alarm to wake me up at the right time;

is not workingg.

"ITS TOO LATE."

its not only about waking at e right time so tt it wont be TOO LATE, its about sleeping at the right time, too.

so what if i wake at e right time???

if i dun sleep at e right time, waking at the right time wouldnt be right after all.

not only did i not wake up on time, i did not sleep at e right time, too.

SIQIN,
its time to wake up.

ON THE EDGE-just finish me at one go

2007-10-08T13:49:00.000+08:00

mopping

an action you do when you use the mop to clean the floor;

to be unhappy and make a face;

a signature move of mine known to all who knows me.

its always SO HARD for me to keep my cool, MAN, i want to be a COOL dude but i just keep losing it!

in my mind, images that scares me appear too often and become more than a presence.

i want to be free of all guilt and free of al the monsters inside- the monsters that are tearing me into pieces-these pieces then littered on everywhere i've been, lost to my ownership. one day, these monsters will rise and lock me away from me.

i just keep mopping about my life, mopping till the day i die, but never cleaning up.

the price of being ordinary

2007-09-26T15:10:00.000+08:00

To be ordinary means to exist yet insignificant, a shadow in the background but stood out to occupy some space nontheless. That is my perception of being ordinary.

An ordinary person suffers as much or maybe even more than the handicapped. They are so ordinary that they doesnt make a statement when they stand up in the crowd. They dont have names that follow them because no one bothered.

everyone is trying hard not to be ordinary, everyone is saying everyone's special as an individual. everyone wants to be different, some by proving so, they choose to live a different lifestyle or eat something different everyday or occasionally. tired but nonetheless contented that they have done something different, but not living in the ordinary and not trying to make something more out of the ordinary. it just goes down to being different.

but hardly anyone admits and believes they are just plain old jane full-heartedly, and having done so, tries hard everyday to make a difference to others but not ultimately for themselves.

i am pretty ordinary, i tried to stay out of trouble and live the way i want to live but trouble seem to visit me too often than i ever ask for(which i never asked for), wishing and praying that i wont stand out in the crowd so much that it invites trouble, only that i didnt have to worry so much about standing out because nothing in my looks department grants that, but ironically, secretly hoping to shine like a star like many of my fellowmates, seniors and teachers have told me to. Just like the character, Chloe in the book, "Love Remains" by Glen Duncan, she lived her life so plainly but hoping someone would finally see her as a person, as she herself as a living person. i found soulmates who saw me but i have to confess none had actually been able to see me fully, they just saw me in partial meanings. That's why i always try to really see someone and not just them to compensate the blindness of others and myself.

i can hear myself say sometimes,
"im not pretty, too skinny, no figure, no character, one word: inconspicuous",
"no man of proper mind will ever love me- implicating i'll get the insane ones",
"no one will see me coz they cant see beyond me, they will only see through me".

If ever i'd commited a crime, the witness trying to describe me will say, "i dont know. short. pimply. average-looking. you know?"

In the book, Chloe have thought of the exact situation, only she was the one who thought about that idea first.

what i had thought about all these years of my life was almost similar but to a different extend.
i often think about me getting involved in a road accident or after my death, how will the people remember me as? the girl who looked horrible? the girl who got blood all over lying on the road causing a jam at the back of the traffic with people driving past slowing a little to catch a glimpse of the victim and drive away again thinking that they were lucky it wasnt them, then after i have passed on for about 3 days, when questioned about what i looked like when someone on the street converses with his neighbour about the girl who died from the accident, he'd probably say, "haiya, how i remember? like normal loh, got eyes, nose and mouth, not pretty also."

this is also a piece of ordinary piece of words, will anyone remember the words written here after a minute?

what's the price of being ordinary?

our diet is MUCH needed

2007-09-26T14:20:00.000+08:00

well, you must be SHOCKED, to see me telling you that i want to be on a diet.
ME: the big-eater, the ever-hungry monster that comes out not only at the dawn of the hungry-ghost festival wants a diet.

let me explain in 3 simple words: WE ARE UNHEALTHY!!!

we, obivous to each other that we hold fats not anywhere else but at the tummy area(how irritating, i know).
well, point to note there, TUMMY FATS ARE THE MOST TOXIC FATS IN OUR BODY AND WE ARE OF EQUAL RISK AS THOSE FAT ARSES OUT THERE WHO ARE OPEN TO HIGH RISK OF HEART-ATTACK AND HIGH CHOLESTEROL AND HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, etc. etc. OF HIGH RISKSSS!!!!!!!!!!

well, that long note really got into my head the minute it hit me.

so now, i will not babble more about how unhealthy we are, but lets look at the reason why we are(or at least i am) at a state like this and more importantly SOLUTIONS.

CAUSES: (as you know,)stress, inbalanced diet, unfrequent/irregular eating time/potions, large amount of eating.

SOLUTIONS: (easier said than done) balanced diet, exercise(on abdomen area more specifically, do sit-ups, weight balancing using only muscles at the abdomen area for at leats 30 mins) or if you can afford, mesotheraphy/ribotheraphy.

lets initiate the easier ones first: the exercising, because it's almost imposible for me to be on a balanced diet plan.

did you believe in believing?

2007-09-26T13:02:00.000+08:00

Believe.

To have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so: Only if one believes in something can one act purposefully.

To be persuaded of the truth or existence of.

To have faith in the reliability, honesty, benevolence, etc.

These are the meaning of believe found in the dictionary, but what's your definition of believe?

have you ever believed in something before?
maybe the ties between you and your loved ones, or even the old affection you had for the things given to you in the past, do you believe in them; that the things you shared with them are irreplacable - do you still hold on to that belief? do you still believe in your beliefs?

what if one day, the thing/belief you believed in crumbles down below everything that is true, will you start hating the things that made you believe in your beliefs? will you start loafing the sight of all things evident to your beliefs?

will you hate yourself for being idiotic enough to believe in the something that you faithfully believed in but now fail to even lit a spark of certainty in you?

will you start hating the idea of believing?

will you stop believing altogether?

i believe that all humans live because they believe in something:
some believing that tomorrow will be something new(thats why they carry a hope of a better tomorrow),
some being lived their life all for the hope that they are living so that they will meet their right one(the belief of finding the right one and live in happiness for the rest of their life),
some simply believe because its the less complicated way of living("i believe in you", they would say to hide and hopefully contradict the said words, so that they would feel that trust can be available if they faithfully believe),
some believing because they thought it was meant to be(because there is evidence/s to proof of his belief and because they thought those proof can be the root of their rationale - that the thing they belief in exists),

and for some believing just became a norm in surviving.

Like the love someone can hold onto the other,
they believe in love because they share an experience of love to which they believe as proof of the existance of love, and for some, they believe that there is love so that it creates a standing of love when they need to hold onto it.

The thing that used to hold so much sentiments and faith in believing, and after all the pains of trying so hard to hold onto the love they thought they knew or believed in, will now be left in the dust, lying simply as a thing, the remains of the past that only could hold memories and nothing of the present. Then, one will start to hate oneself in a harsher way than before, because they have wasted time for a thing- in believing in that thing- that is now nothing more than a memory and nothing less than a dread of finding it reliving all over again.

There is no one who blindly believes but it just that they choose to believe because not believing will make them hate themselves more than they already do, because believing seem to have made this faux effect of releasing themselves to the goodness of life.

To me, believing that all humans believe is just a driving force to rebut this belief.

There are endless contradictions everywhere, you dont have to look hard for it, start by examining yourself, but its harder that way.

a licence that expires

2007-09-26T12:59:00.000+08:00

Because tomorrow is just an infinite course of action,
people therefore often cast their hope on tomorrow, even if they know deep inside that tomorrow will be the same routine that will recycle endlessly, but the hope doesn't seem falter because hoping in itself is a white lie everyone tells to make themselves feel that the life they are living can actually bring them something more.

everyone is holding a licence.
life itself is a licence.
it has an expiry date written in invisible ink.

There are other licences, the license to love, the license to be happy, the license to be you.

i used to hold this licence - the license to be me - but due to many reasons foretold and unforetold, i lost it, unintentionally intended for survival.

a licence that never expires?
people says only God knows and holds it.

do you have the license to love infinitely?

mine holds an expiry date.

I'd rather sleep with the silence

2007-09-26T12:15:00.001+08:00

A book i've recently read entranced me like never before, not that it was the first book that managed to captivate me, but because its words so simple in its form yet it lingers in both my mind and the spirit of my body. The words made an impact but in two varied points; that is the heart and the mind- the two parts of people often separated with different purporting substance of the human ability- to feel and to think.

The book was just about ordinary things in the everyday's life, the traumas one can face, then the fears of it that tags along; even before the terrors, there were fears in even the words- the words that people feared to speak of, the emotions that carried along with those words- the fear of being exposed to your emotions and thoughts by the simple words.

Everyone has the right to say and use words to their own benefit: in arguments, in explanations, in communication of ideas and emotions, and most knows what to say, to be exact, what is needed to be said. Take an example, say a person knocks into someone else, there's already the expected consecutive action to be taken, maybe an apology or a simple apologetic look on the face of that person, the person knows of this order but pauses to wait for the other party to give a signal that the consecutive action is to be followed. This act itself - the pause - is an anticipation of the actual rehearsed act played over and over again in the head, then when the words come into the scene making an entrance that sometimes surprise the other party which leaves the other in shame of their need for the words of apology to justify the seemingly innocent party of the play:themselves, and only to leave them wordlessly nodding off the apology or sometime a mumble of something that cannot be heard but resounding in their heads,

"it's ok."

The realm of words seem to satisfy itself by being there to justify emotions and its own powers.

To speak with words initially was to be merely heard.
To use the voice to speak becomes letting the inner become the outer, letting the inner turmoil of emotions escape to the surface along with the words chosen to be used to utter with, to give a name to the turmoil blasting inside.

nothing sounds better to me than the silence.

i switched the music off even though i was carrying it with me on my morning jogs, but i still wore the earpiece faithfully, for fear the silence would break by removing them in the wee hours of the morning.

a day at CHIJMES (an hour to be exact)

2007-09-24T12:23:00.000+08:00

see the beautiful pictures, cant believe they're actually taken in SINGAPORE!!!

ok, thats a typical line, but due to my lack of imagination, i couldnt come up with a better line.

the stoned, concrete-ness of the pathway...

the solemn identity of the past...

the ancient tower holding a signifiance contrast with the evident present...

and two lost souls lingering at a time when all shops were closed.(to me, all shops meant all FOOD outlets at that place)

Beauitfully distant.(it's actually really a distantaway from where i live, so these two words holds more than one meaning, see.)

our special edition HOME

2007-09-12T15:12:00.000+08:00

this is our future HOME!!!!!!!

Description:

~there's 3 levels

~3 Staircases

~4 Bedrooms

~3 Studyrooms

~2 Dressing rooms

~1 Storage room

~2 Relaxing rooms

~1 Kitchen (+ 1 semi-kitchen holding small kitchen appliances)

~1 Dining room

~1 Living room

~1 Sitting area(for us to wear our shoes before we go out)

haha. you must be wondering where the toilet is, or even if you're not, the toilets are hidden.

(well, actually i couldnt find any toilet pics that i like, thats why there's no toilet.haha)

hahaHA...lets concentrate on earning big bucks first.

(pls click the picture to see the whole thing.)

Chicken Talk (talk cock)

2007-09-11T19:04:00.000+08:00

reminds me of ppl who ask me "na ge ji shi she me lai de?"

(translation - what is tt chicken?)

pls tell me how to ans a qns liddat.

i sounded more retard by saying "errr.. na ge ji shi na ge ji na qu za"

(translation - errr.. tt chicken is chicken... that is fried)

tt nTH person who asked this question TODAY is a guy whos around our age.

faints.

i sell fried chicken cutlet btw.

the more retarded way of being alive

2007-09-01T19:42:00.000+08:00

thanks to the ending of the sem paper, i got to stay at home and laze around and watch some tv(ok, its watching tv for the whole day)
this is what i call the more retarded way of being alive.
haha.

the more retarded thing is or rather the more retarded people are the people who patronise my father's chicken rice-cum-duck rice-cum-pork rice-cum-wanton noodles-cum-duck noodles-cum-chicken noodles-cum-pork noodles stall today.

retarded no. 1 : old singh man

he came and order duck rice from me, and below is the scenerio of what actually happened.

singh: i want 1 duck rice, no babi (malay for pork), i dont want put babi, no babi put inside
(at this point of time, im already nodding my head to the extend its falling off, not to mention my ear drums are exploding thanks to his loud booming voice, and to think that he actually need to shout when im just standing beside him)
me: i know, ok.
singh: NO BABI!! dont put BABI inside the rice!! i dont want BABI!!!
me: ya, i know, duck rice.
singh: ya, duck rice, dont put babi inside, no babi with the duck, i dont want babi with the duck!
me: (exasperated and going to be deaf soon) YES!! I KNOW!!! DUCK RICE!!!
singh: ya, duck rice, no babi ar.

and there, after saying his 'final words' he leaves for his seat, but i have yet to ask him where his seat is, but i rather not and i was glad i didnt or else i would be in for another babi talk.

later in the afternoon came retarded no.2 : army recuit

this guy in army suit (i think he just got recuited coz he seem fresh out of camp) came to my father's stall (there's no need for me to list the food my father sells again since i've written almost the menu above) and the most unexpected thing came out of his mouth.

he said or rather asked, "you got sell fried fish?"

which was followed by a row of laughters (people in the coffeeshop) and my father replied,"you want then i fry for you loh, you want anything i also can fry for you loh"

my father's reply got a even louder response from the crowd in the coffeeshop, all of us were laughing our heads off. i dont know which nerve or screw of that retard's head got loose, but it definitely caused him not to think straight, how can a chicken rice stall sell fried fish??? that is so out of the menu!!! AND fish is seafood,it is not of the chicken rice genre, that's just so...ludicuous.

this goes to show, some people really do have a more retarded way of being alive. HA!

TESTING limits

2007-09-01T17:36:00.000+08:00

many different individuals that pass my life seem to be testing whatever thats test-able within me. let me name one example:

the guy with the name that suits a bird more than a human, but since he prefer to be called after a bird, then perhaps his brain works like one(a pea-brain, to be specific) who tried to test my integrity.
~this pea-brain firstly accused me, alleging i was the cause of him failing his project
~then, when i confronted him and asked him how he was SO SURE that i was the one who caused whatever he alleged me to have done, he stumbled and claimed that he saw my beautiful name on the piece of paper that marked him down for his project.
~after he made that claim, i went to check with the lecturer regarding the claim he made, the lecturer said he didnt show him the papers,not to mention any paper with my name on it. AND i was SURE i didnt wrote whatever he claimed he saw and my alibi was too, SURE & GUARANTEED that i didnt wrote whatever he claim his bird eyes saw.
~after checking with the lecturer, i was even more assured that i was framed and confronted that pea brain AGAIN, and this time he said that he didnt really saw my name but assumed it was me since it couldnt be the rest. following that, i did a cross -examination thing-y with him.

(summarised version)
me: why did you assumed that it was me who marked you down?
pea-brain: coz i saw your handwriting.
me: huh? you mean you actually saw my handwriting? you can recognise my handwriting ar?
p-b: erm... ya... sort of la... i think its your handwriting la...
me: ok, you describe to me what you saw, i want to know all the details of that handwriting you claimed to be mine.
p-b: the ink is blue and the 7 is written with a dash in the center.
me: HA! ok. then you must have made a mistake. because i NEVER write 7 the way you described
p-b: forget it la, i dont mind about who marked me down

HAHAHA!!!! right.
if you didnt mind, why point your finger at me and make up all that crap about you seeing my name on the paper and then saying its my handwriting when you are not even close to sure that it was me who marked you down.
pls, if it was really me who marked you down, i would have stated it out loud to your face, i wouldnt have deny a fact and confronted you. i had confronted you because i felt you need that clarification instead of me, because the truth lies as it is, it never falters, it is the person who lies and who has no integrity that falters when faced with the truth. dont you agree with that, Ravan?

National Day Special

2007-08-09T12:10:00.000+08:00

Devil v. Angel [2006-2007] 1 SYR 2010

Beautiful shoes bring u to Beautiful places.

we happen to celebrate National Day everydae (:

You, MUACHEE and i. (our comedic life)

I look spastic!!!! as usual.

my shoes are not beautiful but i like can already x)
(so random_)

live our lives in comedy or horror movie.

no matter what life we're leading, as long as we're HAPPY can alreadyy.
(so broken_)

hahah.

(written on 6aug.)

have you ever been touched?

2007-08-01T14:02:00.000+08:00

do you dare to open up and be understood?

The simplicity and the plain meaning of being understood means too much to be resisted and contradicted.

no matter how you look or how people see you,
when you are being understood even by just one,
the feeling is enough to touch a heart that beats and a soul that is seeking for the meaning of its existance.

do you have the capacity of being touched?
can you afford to open up to feel that tenderness of a stirring compassion- the feeling of being understood?

The most tender of the feeling of being understood is the sentiment of love that comes with the ability to understand.

this song explicits that simple tenderness of love and understanding.

不能承受的感動 - 鄭秀文
曲︰陳輝陽詞︰林夕編︰陳輝陽

誰說不能承受　生命中的感動
我們擁抱過　東京最美麗的夢
你的一雙手有多普通　當時我無法形容
放下才明白　愛情有多重
你一路揹著我　累到我也學得懂
不夠愛我的人　再美麗只是個夢
我的一雙眼是為什麼想起你就那麼紅
你能夠痛著對我好難道我能假裝不懂

＊全世界看不起你　難道我就能對不起你
就是愛看你這樣子　樣子還有什麼關係
全世界看不起你　難道我就能騙我自己
愛情不只　一場歡喜
你不只是　一個回憶
擁抱你　我就會捨不得呼吸

誰說不能承受　生命中的感動
我們擁抱過　東京最美麗的夢
我的一雙眼為什麼輕輕地想起了你就變得通紅　
你能夠痛著對我好難道我能假裝不懂

重唱　＊

愛情讓人不分輕重　不能承受的回憶就留給東京鐵塔保守秘密

busy busy busy BUSY

2007-07-31T15:29:00.000+08:00

im so busy but here i am writing a new entry.

I NEED A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok, i can hear you screaming that too.

haha.

whatever it is,

lets JUST PUSH OURSELVES TO THE MAX NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do the best to enjoy our holidays that we feel is well deserved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

busy busy busy busy(doing work, rushing to school, researching, etc)

till our holidays come

we will be BUSY BUSY BUSY BUSY again...(shopping, meeting up with long-lost contacts, working, sleeping, rushing to go out, etc, etc, etc.........)

i think thats the reason why we will be late when we meet our friends.
its because we dont feel that we will need to sit for an ungraded paper if we are late for meeting them.
if only everything is SWITCHED.
coz we dont even have to take papers when we meet our friends.
BUT I RATHER NOT!!!!!
its so scary to be thinking about being graded when you are meeting your beloved friends.

haha.
what am i talking about?
people are judging everybody everyday,its the same as being graded,
except they dont give you a "Certificate for Participation" in their life after you are being 'graded' by them, you just get a friend in the end if you pass their grading system
(A* = IRREPLACABLE BEST FRIEND,
A1 = best friend,
A2 = good friend,
B3 = friend whom i can get along with
B4 = friend whom i can joke with
C5 = friend whom i can make quick chats with
C6 = friend whom i can smile and wave "hi" to
D7 = someone whom i can acknowledge their presnce by looking at them
E8 = someone whom i look at but can choose to ignore
F9 = someone whom i dont recall at all, nor do i bother to look at nor do i bother to speak to),
but whether or not they are true friends, you will be the judge, not them.
GOSH.
talk about the equations of life.
here are a few of some equations that i thought of (ok, some are quite common)

EQUATIONS OF LIFE

good impression + no time to connect = friend

good impression(im not talking about first impression, coz to me they dont count.) + good connection = good friends

great connection + many obstacles faced together + same sex = BFF(Best Friends Forever) (just a term, may not last forever even)

great connection + many obstacles faced together+ opposite sex = bf(boyfriend)/ gf (girlfriend)

many similarities + no connection = enemies

many similarities + connection = good friends

many differences + connection = south/north poles

many differences + no connection = repellence

attraction + sex = lust

attraction + good impression = fondness

time + connection = attachment

so,
can anyone tell me the equation of true love?

i just need someone to tell me one equation of true love,
and one person to show me that equation
and let the equation exist everyday of our lives till eternity ends.

To: TONG SI QIN qinn ~you

2007-07-24T13:48:00.000+08:00

[all that i ever want to say to you, are all written in this song
-our deep friendship built upon everyday of our lifes, every minute we spend together and apart and everytime we stick it through-the invisible oath we made to be BEST FRIENDS AND SISTERS FOR LIFE!!!]

RelientK Must Have Done Something Right
Uploaded by seb1993

Artist: Relient K
Album: Five Score and Seven Years Ago
Title: Must Have Done Something Right

We should get jerseys
Cause we make a good team
But yours would look better than mine
Cause you're out of my league

And I know that it's so cliche
To tell you that everyday I spend with you is the new best day of my life
And everyone watching us
Just turns away with disgust
This jealously
They can see that we've got it going on

I cannot wait for a new improved way
To let you know you're more to me than what I know how to say
You're ok with the way this is going to be
Cause this is going to be the best thing we've ever seen

If anyone could make me a better person, you could
All I gotta say is I must have done something good
Even no one did
You rearranged my life
All I gotta say is
I must have done something right
I must have done something right

Maybe I'm just lucky
Cause it's hard to believe
Believe that somebody like you'd end up with someone like me

And I know that it's so cliche
To talk about you this way
But I'll push all my inhibitions aside
It's so very obvious
To everyone watching us
That we have got something real good going on

I cannot wait for a new improved way
To let you know you're more to me than I know how to say
You're ok with the way this is going to be
Cause this is going to be the best thing that we've ever seen

If anyone could make me a better person, you could
All I gotta say is I must have done something good
Even no one did
You rearranged my life
All I gotta say is I must have done something right
I must have done something right

If anyone could make me a better person, you could
All I gotta say is I must have done something good
EVEN NO ONE COULD
You rearranged my life
All I gotta say is I must have done something right
I must have done something right

yours faithfully,

yueh wan
~me

P.S. i will be there for you.

Fruitless Endeavour

2007-07-21T17:26:00.003+08:00

(all the things you wrote are screaming out to me,
and i guess im just a kind of person who will look forward to something if i know it has an ending.)

"A test to see whether you really LOVE him"
so true.

(i swore that i will never again despise someone because of their flaws,
but now,
im doing it again.)

(fate has been really kind to me, i have to admit.)

like i've said, fate will just lay down the paths available
and the path you choose,

you will have to walk it through in order to get to the goal.

(all this while,
i've been wanting and waiting for endings without walking through the process.
a nature of every human.)

Fate
has given me all the chances to take the first step to my goals.

(but i chose to ignore them and walk the solitaired road.)

Fate
will just come along and help you
only if you help yourself too.

(i've been on the passive side for too long
always moving only when i geta nudge or a push at the back to get on.)

chances are not thrown at you, it's you
you are the one who take and own the chances.
if you don't, you will never know where it'll bring you - closer or futher from your goal -
but at least you're moving instead of being stuck in the same spot waiting for things to happen.
thinking that your goal will come to you one day if you just hang around and wait- that's the dumbest thing and the thing only a person who dont own his life will do.

yes, waiting wont help,
but it also depends on the type of waiting you are doing-
if you are just waiting ofr good things to happen to you or even reaching your goal by waiting-that's too naive of you.

but if you're waiting for the right chance to do something you think suitable to reach your goal,
then your wait will be worthwhile
because no matter what,
it will bring you somewhere- if not your goal.

i've taken things for granted too much and for too long.
it's for granted that people come to you and knock on your door asking to be a friend or something more.

if everyone in this world is so,
everybody will be waiting for everyone else, for their lifetime - a fruitless endeavour.
and dont blame anyone if you have waited so long without any accomplishment, because you are the one who sowed that seed of a fruitless endeavour.

are you waiting out there?
are you waiting for the love that was foretold to come upon you?
are you waiting for your hand to be warmed by the one for you?
are you still waiting?
are you going to wait for your hand to be held, but not yours to reach out to someone's else?
are you going to wait there forever?

this could happen to you too...

listen to your heart for the answer,
coz nothing is can be so logically when you search for answers from the core of your affections -your heart.

the art of Letting Go

2007-07-19T22:38:00.000+08:00

im learning the art of letting go
i seem to be an expert at it already
but i have never let go of anything not to mention, let it be gone.

all my feelings deep inside.
its kept well.

thanks for listening and understanding.
it's all these listening and understanding you gave made me stronger.

i'll always remember the feeling of being understood
the heart-warming feeling you gave
that warms and consoles the heart
whether it's beating or broken.

but this is not the reason i love you sis.
this is part of you that i love.
you, on the whole, is my pushing and pulling factor to getting on and thinking straight.

que sera sera
whatever will be, will be.

something that should not be here

2007-07-19T22:17:00.000+08:00

even a rainbow does not make anything better.

everything that should not be happening is happening and i duno what is happening.

everything was a mistake. ever since it started.

theres nothing i can be happy about.

i just wan a peaceful life, having to
focus on what im SUPPOSED to do,
worry about what im SUPPOSED to worry abt,
see what im SUPPOSED to c,
hear what im SUPPOSED to hear,
live how im SUPPOSED to live.

i rather it not happen.
if a start has to end.

i rather lead a boring life.
if unexpected events are considered interesting.

i rather he not appear.
if he has to leave.

i rather not be happy.
if being happy gives meaning to sad.

fight for ur hapiness.

u may not get it even if u tried.
but u will get nothing if u never try.

even if u wan to be alone, just rmb tt
i will always b here for u.

Law Game 2007

2007-07-18T19:39:00.000+08:00

For ur convenience, i uploaded these pics here (x

i look like some STICK puppet. hahas. esp e 1st pic.

u're e BEST spectator!!!! =D

the both of us~so happy together

2007-07-10T22:09:00.000+08:00

yummy coz you're there.

happy coz you're there and you always make my day.

i have an appetite for buffets when we are together.

i am happy when i have an appetite like that.

i am happy when we are together.

PaRt of mY LifE

2007-07-07T23:28:00.000+08:00

PotatO iN its CoaT RicE witH prawN backside

*NEW!*
SaShiMi lookaLike
artistfuL dae =)

HaPpY daEs oF thE uNhappY wEek [=

"Interesting" is a very INTERESTING WORD

2007-07-03T20:22:00.000+08:00

when someone says you're interesting,
it makes you feel like a specimen under a microscope,
with eyes staring at you with MUCH curiosity and INTEREST,
with needles poking at you and tuanting you to react,
with a notebook to record every interesting moves you make.

so, i see where people get their motivation to understand or to know someone-it's all the INTEREST to blame for.

like the interest of people to know what is inside a toad's stomach.
the interest of the unknown in the tiny creature's tummy got them to disect it apart to see what's inside.
curiously interesting.
but not at all kind and humane to those creatures that holds your interest.

so maybe, the next time you hear someone complimenting that you are/ look interesting,
go down on your knees immediately and beg for mercy,
for who knows,
they might be interested to disect you apart too.

this is my theory on the very interesting word called,"INTERESTING".
and this theory is rather INTERESTING too, i say.

by the way, i get called interesting ALL the time, but im still very much in one piece, so im pretty much a consolation to the rest who are named interesting people.

~me

the mystery of PART & IN.

2007-07-02T21:17:00.000+08:00

ONAKA GA SUKIMASHITA!!!

OMATASE!!!! (sorry, i kept u waiting)

u are part of my life.

always will be.

~you

GRACE KELLY-mika

2007-07-02T20:59:00.000+08:00

Mika - Grace Kelly
Uploaded by gyoumdr

mika:I wanna talk to you
girl:Last time we talked Mr Smith you reduced me to tears
I promise you that won't happen again

mika:
Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?
I got to be wholesome
I could be loathsome
Guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?

I tried to be like Grace Kelly (mmmm)
But all her looks were too sad (ahhh ahhh)
So I tried a little Freddie (mmm)
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

[girl:Getting angry doesn't solve anything.]

How can I help ya
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on my brink
Why don't you like me
Why don't you like me
Why don't you like yourself?
Should I bend over?
Should I look older just to be put on your shelf?

I tried to be like Grace Kelly (mmmm)
But all her looks were too sad (ahhh ahhh)
So I tried a little Freddie (mmm)
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Walk out the door!

Say what you want to satisfy yourself
Hey!
But you only want what everybody else says you should want
you want...

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Walk out the door!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Walk out the door!
Oooh, oooh!

[girl:Humphrey, we're leaving.]

Kaching!!!

history made today

2007-06-30T22:55:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i got to know a horrible news.
today, the decision was made and proceeded with.
tomorrow, date of murder is going to be changed.
tomorrow, GST increases to 7% too.

we are all creating history by our every moves.
the moves we make cause another consecutive move known as reaction.

and now my reaction to you not posting the jap entry as promised is affecting me.
i dont know how to say im hungry.

NURUL ALIA & ORS V PANG YUEH WAN [2007] 1 SHIT 999

2007-06-25T09:56:00.001+08:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i HATE myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im always so last MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why cant i do any better than that??????????????????????????????????????????????
can i screwmyself coz others dont hav ethe heart to, nor do they want to!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
whats wrong with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????
SLAP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
argh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

at times like this i just want to be alone.
but i need my friends here with me more than ever.

my life-long lesson

2007-06-07T22:31:00.000+08:00

watching that show sure brings me to the senses i haven been using for so long.
no, not talking about the sixth sense here, qin. ahaha.

all i want to do now is to thank every single person that has came across in my life, be it whether they make a difference or not, i thank them.

im thanking every good thing that happened in my life, and the bad ones too.

i want to thank all my friends, especially those whom i treasure in the deepest place of my heart.
also, the people whom have made me taste all sort of flavours life have brought me and can bring- people who have hurt me, people who have made my day, people who have helped me and those who have betrayed my trust, and those who have managed to make me cried.

I thank you.

i also want to say sorry, to those whom i have disappointed, to those whom i didnt treasure, to every single persons that i have hurt so that they will not hurt me.

im sorry i couldnt have done better, im sorry i havent cherish your presence, im sorry for not letting you hurt me the way you should have.

and im really glad that i've come to realise the importantance of all these people.

thank you again. im truly grateful.
you are the flavours of my life, and im sorry if i had not been brave enough to accept the experience- the flavours of life that you can bring me.

i will be stronger now.
i will face whatever that comes my way COURAGEOUSLY, and not coward-down again.
i will be who i want to be.
i will lead my life to the fullest.

and when i say that, i will really live my life to THE FULLEST, by experiencing every single thing life throws at me, and whether or not i am prepared to face it, i will face it with all my might.

because this is the way im going to live my life
from this very moment onwards,
i will be true- to my beliefs, to my life and MOST IMPORTANTLY, to my feelings.

~me

not the right one

2007-05-31T03:23:00.000+08:00

so sorry abt today-was a bit off in the train(NOT DRUNK)

anyway.
i think i will never find the right one
since im always turning away.

you're right.
im carrying an armor-one thats so heavy, i cant seem to move on to anywhere in my life

i need protection
i feel that there's no one out there who watches over me
so i build a shield
so i wont get hurt
so im safe.

its not hard living in the world one creates to hide themselves.
its just hard that when you need a hand to guide you when you're lost in that world
and when you reaches out, no one's there to hold your hand
then your frail heart breaks
because then you will realise you are all alone in the world you hid yourself in.

im safe in my world but im not loved, because i choose not to reach out at all.

~me

Is it something tt i cant c???

2007-05-29T21:33:00.000+08:00

whyy is everyone starting to sayy that we look alike?? even Ms Wendy Yu.

i cant find any part tts similar. is it something they can c tt i cant c???

or is it
juz because i was told tt i look like tweety bird and mouse.
&
U were told tt u look like mouse and tweety birdd.

lets just call us - TWEETY MOUSE.

we're so busy. not because we're busybody. but because we have so many identities.

YUEH WAN. SI QIN. BERNIE. EERT. TWEETY MOUSES. what else?

cant standd meet-less days. omg. what will happen duringg e holidaes?????

~you

ok

2007-05-29T18:16:00.000+08:00

lets talk
on our meet-less days...

~me

2007-05-28T22:28:00.000+08:00

oh where, oh where
can my bernie be?
oh where, oh where can that girl be?

oh.
here she is
in my heart
plastered there with non-removable glue
for the rest of my life...

many words are left unspoken
~chl 8 show

many words are often left unspoken because many fear the consequences of the spokened words.
~yueh wan(me)

~me

2007-05-27T22:19:00.000+08:00

UGLY is the new beautiful
-channel 5-

SICK is the new slack
-yw-

HURT is the new love
-sq-

~you

a series of fortunate events

2007-05-25T22:53:00.000+08:00

firstly. i wan to talked about ytd.

WE ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE TERRORIST!!!!!! omg. tts sth new. other than ah lian, nerd and everything else tt i was told. i think tt security has hallucination. he might c us as 2 students wearing STOCKINGS over our heads.

and today.

we're not e only sua gus.!!!!!! =PpP still quite glad we witnessed tt. it came out on e news. at least =D

im so glad i spent my fri with u.

we'll be bernie and eert for e rest of my lifetime. and u are not gg to die when u are 30 or 40. i wont let u.

oUr stOry wiLL last. sistership.

i cant help it. i cant control my feelings. i cant stop thinking. i cant lie to myself. i cant pretend im leading my life as per normal. now tt nothing is bottled up, i can throw away my bottle. i juz threw it away(dun charge me for littering). andd i wont mention it agn. never.

movingg on!!!!!!! from here. with u.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
u always make me feel so touched.. to the extend tt my tears overflow.
nothing can expressed how i felt.

FROM TODAY onwards. i will cut off all communication lines.
i wont let u wait long.
i will be happy.
and i will try to stay happy.
today. 25 May.

~you

dont ask me to do it...

2007-05-25T22:32:00.000+08:00

vulnerable girl.
gets hurt.
heals her wounds.
tries to resists.
falls into the many traps she went round about.
doesnt wish to be trapped-but nonetheless trapped.
in her own mind
she suffocates herself.
she holds her breath when something touches her weakest point-the core of her heart.
confused.
empty.
lost.
see
me
i
am
and
still
-here
always.

im not going to
slap you
scold you
shake you
ignore you

im just waiting,
hoping that you're happy.
and that you stay happy always.

~me

NNOOOO!!!!!!!!

2007-05-25T22:26:00.000+08:00

we are so NOT sua gus!!!!

~us

EVERTHING COMES TO NOTHING

2007-05-24T21:49:00.000+08:00

"i'll rather have nothing than to have EVERYTHING BUT NOTHING!!!"
~said by the famous SIQIN-bernie

~me

yet another comforting reason for the unwanteds...

2007-05-23T17:42:00.000+08:00

Girls are like apples on trees.
The best one are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for the good ones,because they are afraid of falling,and getting hurt.
Instead they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good,but easy.
So the apples at the top thinks that something is wrong with them,but in realilty,they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right boy to come along,the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

so i guess that's why some are still waiting for the one...

BUT this is SO NOT TALKING ABOUT US.coz we are not plain apples, we are limited edition ones.

~me

silent tears

2007-05-22T20:58:00.000+08:00

the sound of the tissue being pulled out of the tissue box was way more dramatic than my solemn tears...

~me

2007-05-21T17:50:00.000+08:00

okae. im super guilty alreadyy. only posted 1 entry so far. not tt i dun wan. juz tt my stupid hands closed e window aft spendin so long typing my own theory. hahas. i will retype them. soon.

guess what? i lost my tHumbdrive for e 2nd time. and its not even one month!!!! i lost my concealer.. adaptor spoil.. btw, i tHinK someone stole my tHumbdrive and concealer. cuz i rmb putting them IN my bagg. but its my fault, i always nv zip my bagg. v.sadd.

i dun wan to lose u

i am drifting away from my dream of getting rich. with all tHis happening to me.

~you

You can stand under my UMBRELLA

2007-05-20T16:02:00.000+08:00

You have my heart
And we'll never be worlds apart
Maybe in magazines But you'll still be my star
Baby cause in the dark
You can't see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because
When the sun shine We'll shine together
Told you i'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath I'm gonna stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more then ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella

~ copied from: rihanna- umberella

tarnishhhhed. vanisheddddd.

2007-05-18T22:34:00.000+08:00

hopes tarnished.

how much i was hOping for ur love storyy to being. and it ended juz like tt.

its okae. the day will come. i believe so. am waiting for e dae to come. ur hapiness :D

i love purple hair. lOl. i oso wan!!!!

played pool till v.tired. -.-" kaTONGsiqin. LOL. im being no link for e 2nd time.

im having headache. so mUch tHings to do.

todae cant go hOme with u, sat, sun, mOn, tues. ARGHHHHHHHHH =/
miss u already.

thanks for beingg thru EVERYTHING with me. we are across e island, bUt my heart isnt. noe u cant take mushHy stuff so i better stOP startingg.

gonna readd ur book later. so i could laughh and return u e book on mon [=

love ur blog. and our blog. totally.

my first entry sounds retarded alreadyy. since when i dont sound like one? lOl.

~you

i just WISH we can swap places

2007-05-18T22:23:00.000+08:00

if i were you, i will make life difficult for him.
i will be mean and hurt him if he ever hurt me, even slightly.
i will ditch him if he tells me he forgot an important date, not to mention the first date.
if he brings me to somewhere he considers convenient only for himself,i will leave immediately.
in the first place, if i think or even detect that he is a loser in anyway, i will dump him, and hope that no unlucky girl will ever be his girl.

if you were me, you will be kind to the jerks that appeared in my life.
if you were me, you will be happy with what you have and not saying everything you have isnt enough, and be contented about the wretched life you lead
and if you were me,you will treasure the fate that comes your way, instead of avoiding them like they are contaminated.

but if you were me, you wouldnt have hurt the people i have hurt, coz u wouldnt have the heart to do so.

but if i were you, i wouldnt tell a girl like me that she deserves the best.

but we cant switch places in reality, so i will live my life like how i have lived, but i want to tell you this: you are the one who DESERVES ONLY THE BEST of everything, not me.

~me

all i can do is be by your side-but im way across the island

2007-05-18T21:42:00.000+08:00

things didnt work out the way we thought them to be today
1)your date with that crap amatuer
2)my "destinied" one

cant help but to sigh about them.
we're back to a square one

just cant be bothered with a lot of things now
i know you feel the same too.

whatever.

i really want to give a good lecture and a hard thrashing to that ****er!!!totally brainless la.

~me

LISTEN TO THE VOICE WITHIN!!!(but not the reasonable voice)

2007-05-17T21:21:00.000+08:00

siqin...
no matter what i say or how i feel,
it's what you feel that MATTERS!!!

i know you're scared.
you fear and hesitate so much
but why are you hesitating?
what are you afraid of??

i know you have a fragile heart,
but what is the point if you dont live life and experience whatever you were met to experience
with that heart of yours??

but no matter how many times your heart will be broken,
you still know your heart exists and you can feel.
and even if the day comes when your heart is shattered into millions of pieces,
you know you still have me by your side to piece them back again..

dont lose faith.
im wrong
simple faith can actually bring you far,
further than your reasonable logics can bring you,
further than any heartaches you may foresee
its that uncertainty-the uncertainties in life that keeps us living, and brings us different hopes everyday...

im with you through this..love you always,sis.

~me

2007-05-16T20:43:00.000+08:00

when we first met,
i looked at you,
i saw that innocent smile you gave me,
that smile which till this very day, i still cherish.

days went by,
we became friends.
but i never got the chance to reach into your inner world,
because then we had our own friends
and we had little time together,
at least not long enough to go further than a small chat.
but we kept our smiles,
exchanged with each chance we saw each other

but today,right now,
we are connected in so many ways.
sisters alike,
our friendship will last through many lifetimes.

i know you are worried, so am i.
we are both worried that we will drift apart
but even if that day comes,
you and i know
this will be our secret meeting place...

~me