in the past when i see a relationship isnt working out i will raise the STOP sign and doing the whole disappearing act.
or just a single character trait about the person which i cannot foresee myself tolerating, i will choose to turn and walk away.
this time, i dont know whats so different about this time. Him. I find it pretty lame that im even wasting time pondering oer this issue. I dont know what's holding me back. Or rather, i know whats holding me back, but im holding on for the very same reasons.
He is stable. In every sense. He is almost the guy who makes the checklist on most average girl's list. A stable job, a stable life, a stable future, most of all, a very stable man. Put a tick on all the 5Cs. Car, Condo, Credit Card, Cash, Career. I wasnt so aware of all these 5Cs until recently my friend had to remind me of how lucky i am to have found a man like him. A man so full of a future to build the rest of my life with. (?)
Me. Im the total opposite. Instability seem to tagged along as a faithful friend, a shadow in the late afternoon sun, stretching as far as the height and length of the tree by the roadside, even taller than me that sometimes it runs out of control over me. Fidelity. Wild, a good kind of wild (as he always say about me). No career, no cash, no car, no condo, no specific future to pin point to. The only card i hold is a Debit Card that relies on how much i have available in my account, which is mere pathetic.
They say opposites attract, but it seems it is the exception in our case. We are at the far ends of opposites, never to cross paths until that fateful day when fate decides to play a prank. Maybe it's the fact that he is so different from all the guys i have met that i felt almost obliged to know him more and to be in his good shoes. Maybe it was the fact the I was desperate to cling onto something stable for once in my life that i forgo any other chances i may have with anyone else for it was this stable drug that i needed to be accepted by my mates to prove the fact that i wasn't abnormal to be leading the kind of carefree life i enjoy so much, although in their eyes, i was wasting my life away. Most of all, i guess i was trying to make sense to my mother who thinks im senseless to be still fooling around.
What they didn't know was that through the lessons i learnt while being that carefree person was that i became more thoughtful of others and more passionate as a living human being with a soul. They definitely saw my improvements as i become more humane, but they sort of chose to attribute those improvements as part of me becoming more mature with age, not choice. Age did play a part, though i daresay not a very big part for i was very aware of how OLD i was getting.
It was mostly these two years that i 'wasted' that made me the more compassionate person i am now. The two years of working in different lines although mostly different service lines, but it is the work that taught me the most of becoming human. I was trying so hard to be who i wan others to see me that i end up making myself look weird and confusing to them.
Now, when i stop trying and start living as the person i am, people like me more, even i like me more. they always say they are very comfortable with me even when they first meet me, no silence awkwardness in the air or whatsoever that makes a person fidgety. i guess i am now very comfortable with myself, i have accepted the person i am and learn to love myself more that i need not be concerned with how others see me as.
Thats why people feels comfortable with me because i am comfortable with myself, which is a very important thing that people tend to overlook coz its all about the looks now. This is also why he felt so comfortable with me that we forget that we are supposed to be a couple in love, not an old couple who's so used to each others' presence.
This is also another reason im holding on to this relationship, and ALSO the reason why i want to let go of this relationship. To be really frank about it, we barely even know each other and we only just started the relationship, but because of this air of comfort-ness that swims around me that we just spend time in each others' company not saying much about each other,but just updating about our everyday lives, trying to make them sound as interesting as possible because there's really nothing else thats interesting about our relationship except when we become physically intimate. Goodness.
What do i have to do now. What should i do. I know but choose to ignore, because remaining status quo seems to be the best bet now. Consequences and solidarity is hard to bear.
