secrets on feathered ink...Rainbow ♥

Monday, 24 November 2008

omg. im already doing my fourth posting for the day.

not that im that bored, but because there's really nothing more interesting than our blog right now, not that i can think of anyway.

oh. bernie.

oh. bernie.

oh. bernie.

ok. i shouldnt make this entry seem like a spam message.

i have so much thoughts in my head lately but i find it very hard for me to express them. maybe im not feeling right. maybe i've lost my philosophical touch. Or maybe im just too emotionless to write emotionfully about my thoughts and emotions.

i feel so much older than the kids my age, yet most of them have already passed their birthday this year.

10-12-1989

just a few days more and im 19. how old is that? VERY.

i cant believe im hitting the 20s and using SK-II products.

oh no. im old.

16:48

Recently I got involved in a minor car accident. To be more precise, I got involved in a car-and-person accident, the person obviously being me.

It all happened after I got off “work” at my father’s eatery.

I was doing the normal human act of walking and making my way to the train station in area where it was peace and quiet most of the time. Ok, I wasn’t just walking; I was brisk-walking because of the drizzle.

There I was (brisk-) walking happily and at the point when I stepped out to the PEDESTRIAN zebra-crossing, a car (obviously speeding before this) came to a SCREECHING halt.

Being the person I am, who is so afraid to die (especially to die young), I was shocked and thus fell onto the floor before the car even knock me off my feet – which was lucky, otherwise I would have really got banged.

The car, or rather the car plate, was thisclosetomyface.

But luckily (considering the odds), the only injuries that I sustained were my swollen bum and my scratched left palm.

I could have sued that bastard who was driving the car, but I didn’t because I was kind-hearted enough and I was only suffering from minor injuries and I couldn’t afford a lawyer. Ha-ha.

The weirdest thing amongst the others – people shouting at the driver but refusing to help me to get up and the driver not willing to get out of the car to examine the state of the situation – was that, me being the poor victim of the whole accident had to hurry to get up and out from the crime scene, being that the “crime scene” was preventing other evil drivers to get through as I was “sitting” in the middle of the road.

You don’t need a rocket scientist to tell you what those bastards are thinking, not especially when rocket scientists are usually low in EQ.

When I got up (painfully) and continue my way to the train station, which now seems a mile away, everyone and every thing went back to its routine and the picture was so normal, which left me wondering:

Did I fell when that dreaded driver came (almost) crashing into me? Or did I just sit on the road casually like I was having a picnic on the asphalt road?

I have this hunch that many thought the latter, because they all seem so fine about the accident.

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just another thought.

i have always resisted getting a licence to be a driver because i was always hoping that i can afford to be chauffeured.

i havent and will not change my stand on not getting a licence because now i've found a new reason why i shouldnt get a licence: i am as reckless as that bastard who almost knock me down; in fact i can visualise myself driving a brand new car for the very first time and killing 3 people in a row.

13:36

friends.
boys.
love.

ALICE
I forgive you for not joining me for dinner even though I made it.
I forgive you for missing my childhood.
I forgive you for separating me and Dad and leaving me alone at home.
i forgave you so i wont leave you, mum.

I forgive you for lying.
I forgive you for missing out on my first ever chance to stardom.
I forgive you for placing him before me in your heart.
i forgave you so i will forever be there for you, Hana.

wo ai ni.

zai jian.

Thank you.

11:25

wow.

Im very amazed at how one person can hate another just by looking at the face.

and may i clarify, a face that looks pretty average and - may i emphasize again - NORMAL, and to some extent beautiful, at least to those who saw and know me.

GOSH. but can you believe this WEIRDO who's got the weirdest hairdo and weirdest face and weird ATTITUDE comment that i have a stuck-up attitude merely by the impression of my FACE.

see. in this moral decayed society, you can even find people who hates you not for who you are, but because of your FACE - which in my opinion is such a hooligan behaviour.

[i guess its the same case with love, most dont love you for who you really are, but by the judgement of the face or appearance. see how superficial people are in both extremes of love and hatre.]

Try visualizing a bunch of gangsters staring at another bunch of gangsters and a fight breaks out just because they dislike the stares which were generated by the very same object of attention: the FACEs. Its pretty usually in the back alley scene, but in an OFFICE, where self-proclaimed civilised human beings reside for almost half their pathetic lives, how possible is that???

well, let me answer that.

VERY, EXTREMELY AND ULTIMATELY COMMON.

*shrugs* I guess we all still live and behave like our ancestors: the Primates/ the Barbarians.

all it takes is for one to look at the FACE and start disliking it.

it is the FACE that triggers most office politics and the mouth that aids the worsening of the office politics.

and what a betrayer the mouth is. To assist the gossipers as a weapon to harm the existence of the face.

Forget it. I will not speak untill my face has forgiven my mouth.

08:56

Friday, 21 November 2008

Well. SIP is finally ending and im supposed to be happy.

But im not.

Its weird sometimes, especially at times when you desperately want some things or events in your life to go away or end, but when it finally ends or go away, you are at a lost because you’ve spent so much energy wishing and praying for them to end.

In my case, I was wishing, praying and BEGGING for the three years here in Temasek Polytechnic to end.

However, something bigger is waiting for me at the end of the stretch of this run in Temasek Polytechnic – my future.

What’s going to happen after graduation?
What will I pursue?
Will I further my studies?
Should I start working to pay my education loans?
Should I pursue my dreams??
To be an artist?

To be a lawyer?

To be a chef who’s afraid of the heat in the kitchen for beauty's sake?

Or my personal favourite: a FASHION designer?
Will I be able to strike rich with my dreams and live happily for the rest of my life?

The biggest question of all: what is my future going to be???

I am very worried about my future, because it will or may determine what kind of life I will lead for the rest of my life. If I pursue a law degree, am I limiting myself as to the choices I may have later on in life?

Someone told me that it’s better for me to further my studies than to start working and then studying after that.

It’s not that I don’t plan, but it’s just that the future is so unpredictable that I don’t like to lay down my odds so early in life; but then again, it’s never too early to plan for anything, like the motto of my previous CCA – Be PREPARED – the girl guides motto.

After much reflections, I find that my biggest obstacle isn’t my unplanned plans, or my unrealistic dreams, or is it my never-ending questions; it is MY FEARS of the future, of the unknown ahead that is pulling me back – back from stepping ahead, back from moving on in life – and the reason why I am always living in the past.

I can’t move on if I am constantly afraid of the future and the things it may bring.

If I can’t move on, I will be constantly dreaming about the future and not do anything about it. I know very clearly that dreaming doesn’t bring me far; in fact it doesn’t bring me anywhere at all.
So now I sit here asking myself: what’s left of these?

What’s left of my life, my dreams, my education and my future?

But I’m still sitting here and I’m still not giving deep thoughts to my supposed plans.

“So what happens after this?”

But what ever it is, tomorrow will always come and the future is just a day away, so why don’t I make the best out of me today which was yesterday’s tomorrow that I feared.

What a lame conclusion but isn’t this what people’s doing everyday?
Telling themselves to make the best out of today and live the day complaining about it?
See, I’m not the only one who’s afraid.

amijusthopefulornaive?

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15:47