secrets on feathered ink...Rainbow ♥

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

To be ordinary means to exist yet insignificant, a shadow in the background but stood out to occupy some space nontheless. That is my perception of being ordinary.

An ordinary person suffers as much or maybe even more than the handicapped. They are so ordinary that they doesnt make a statement when they stand up in the crowd. They dont have names that follow them because no one bothered.

everyone is trying hard not to be ordinary, everyone is saying everyone's special as an individual. everyone wants to be different, some by proving so, they choose to live a different lifestyle or eat something different everyday or occasionally. tired but nonetheless contented that they have done something different, but not living in the ordinary and not trying to make something more out of the ordinary. it just goes down to being different.

but hardly anyone admits and believes they are just plain old jane full-heartedly, and having done so, tries hard everyday to make a difference to others but not ultimately for themselves.

i am pretty ordinary, i tried to stay out of trouble and live the way i want to live but trouble seem to visit me too often than i ever ask for(which i never asked for), wishing and praying that i wont stand out in the crowd so much that it invites trouble, only that i didnt have to worry so much about standing out because nothing in my looks department grants that, but ironically, secretly hoping to shine like a star like many of my fellowmates, seniors and teachers have told me to. Just like the character, Chloe in the book, "Love Remains" by Glen Duncan, she lived her life so plainly but hoping someone would finally see her as a person, as she herself as a living person. i found soulmates who saw me but i have to confess none had actually been able to see me fully, they just saw me in partial meanings. That's why i always try to really see someone and not just them to compensate the blindness of others and myself.

i can hear myself say sometimes,
"im not pretty, too skinny, no figure, no character, one word: inconspicuous",
"no man of proper mind will ever love me- implicating i'll get the insane ones",
"no one will see me coz they cant see beyond me, they will only see through me".

If ever i'd commited a crime, the witness trying to describe me will say, "i dont know. short. pimply. average-looking. you know?"

In the book, Chloe have thought of the exact situation, only she was the one who thought about that idea first.

what i had thought about all these years of my life was almost similar but to a different extend.
i often think about me getting involved in a road accident or after my death, how will the people remember me as? the girl who looked horrible? the girl who got blood all over lying on the road causing a jam at the back of the traffic with people driving past slowing a little to catch a glimpse of the victim and drive away again thinking that they were lucky it wasnt them, then after i have passed on for about 3 days, when questioned about what i looked like when someone on the street converses with his neighbour about the girl who died from the accident, he'd probably say, "haiya, how i remember? like normal loh, got eyes, nose and mouth, not pretty also."

this is also a piece of ordinary piece of words, will anyone remember the words written here after a minute?

what's the price of being ordinary?

15:10

well, you must be SHOCKED, to see me telling you that i want to be on a diet.
ME: the big-eater, the ever-hungry monster that comes out not only at the dawn of the hungry-ghost festival wants a diet.

let me explain in 3 simple words: WE ARE UNHEALTHY!!!

we, obivous to each other that we hold fats not anywhere else but at the tummy area(how irritating, i know).
well, point to note there, TUMMY FATS ARE THE MOST TOXIC FATS IN OUR BODY AND WE ARE OF EQUAL RISK AS THOSE FAT ARSES OUT THERE WHO ARE OPEN TO HIGH RISK OF HEART-ATTACK AND HIGH CHOLESTEROL AND HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, etc. etc. OF HIGH RISKSSS!!!!!!!!!!

well, that long note really got into my head the minute it hit me.

so now, i will not babble more about how unhealthy we are, but lets look at the reason why we are(or at least i am) at a state like this and more importantly SOLUTIONS.

CAUSES: (as you know,)stress, inbalanced diet, unfrequent/irregular eating time/potions, large amount of eating.

SOLUTIONS: (easier said than done) balanced diet, exercise(on abdomen area more specifically, do sit-ups, weight balancing using only muscles at the abdomen area for at leats 30 mins) or if you can afford, mesotheraphy/ribotheraphy.

lets initiate the easier ones first: the exercising, because it's almost imposible for me to be on a balanced diet plan.

14:20

Believe.

To have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so: Only if one believes in something can one act purposefully.

To be persuaded of the truth or existence of.

To have faith in the reliability, honesty, benevolence, etc.

These are the meaning of believe found in the dictionary, but what's your definition of believe?

have you ever believed in something before?
maybe the ties between you and your loved ones, or even the old affection you had for the things given to you in the past, do you believe in them; that the things you shared with them are irreplacable - do you still hold on to that belief? do you still believe in your beliefs?

what if one day, the thing/belief you believed in crumbles down below everything that is true, will you start hating the things that made you believe in your beliefs? will you start loafing the sight of all things evident to your beliefs?

will you hate yourself for being idiotic enough to believe in the something that you faithfully believed in but now fail to even lit a spark of certainty in you?

will you start hating the idea of believing?

will you stop believing altogether?

i believe that all humans live because they believe in something:
some believing that tomorrow will be something new(thats why they carry a hope of a better tomorrow),
some being lived their life all for the hope that they are living so that they will meet their right one(the belief of finding the right one and live in happiness for the rest of their life),
some simply believe because its the less complicated way of living("i believe in you", they would say to hide and hopefully contradict the said words, so that they would feel that trust can be available if they faithfully believe),
some believing because they thought it was meant to be(because there is evidence/s to proof of his belief and because they thought those proof can be the root of their rationale - that the thing they belief in exists),

and for some believing just became a norm in surviving.

Like the love someone can hold onto the other,
they believe in love because they share an experience of love to which they believe as proof of the existance of love, and for some, they believe that there is love so that it creates a standing of love when they need to hold onto it.

The thing that used to hold so much sentiments and faith in believing, and after all the pains of trying so hard to hold onto the love they thought they knew or believed in, will now be left in the dust, lying simply as a thing, the remains of the past that only could hold memories and nothing of the present. Then, one will start to hate oneself in a harsher way than before, because they have wasted time for a thing- in believing in that thing- that is now nothing more than a memory and nothing less than a dread of finding it reliving all over again.

There is no one who blindly believes but it just that they choose to believe because not believing will make them hate themselves more than they already do, because believing seem to have made this faux effect of releasing themselves to the goodness of life.

To me, believing that all humans believe is just a driving force to rebut this belief.

There are endless contradictions everywhere, you dont have to look hard for it, start by examining yourself, but its harder that way.

13:02

Because tomorrow is just an infinite course of action,
people therefore often cast their hope on tomorrow, even if they know deep inside that tomorrow will be the same routine that will recycle endlessly, but the hope doesn't seem falter because hoping in itself is a white lie everyone tells to make themselves feel that the life they are living can actually bring them something more.

everyone is holding a licence.
life itself is a licence.
it has an expiry date written in invisible ink.

There are other licences, the license to love, the license to be happy, the license to be you.

i used to hold this licence - the license to be me - but due to many reasons foretold and unforetold, i lost it, unintentionally intended for survival.

a licence that never expires?
people says only God knows and holds it.

do you have the license to love infinitely?

mine holds an expiry date.

12:59

A book i've recently read entranced me like never before, not that it was the first book that managed to captivate me, but because its words so simple in its form yet it lingers in both my mind and the spirit of my body. The words made an impact but in two varied points; that is the heart and the mind- the two parts of people often separated with different purporting substance of the human ability- to feel and to think.

The book was just about ordinary things in the everyday's life, the traumas one can face, then the fears of it that tags along; even before the terrors, there were fears in even the words- the words that people feared to speak of, the emotions that carried along with those words- the fear of being exposed to your emotions and thoughts by the simple words.

Everyone has the right to say and use words to their own benefit: in arguments, in explanations, in communication of ideas and emotions, and most knows what to say, to be exact, what is needed to be said. Take an example, say a person knocks into someone else, there's already the expected consecutive action to be taken, maybe an apology or a simple apologetic look on the face of that person, the person knows of this order but pauses to wait for the other party to give a signal that the consecutive action is to be followed. This act itself - the pause - is an anticipation of the actual rehearsed act played over and over again in the head, then when the words come into the scene making an entrance that sometimes surprise the other party which leaves the other in shame of their need for the words of apology to justify the seemingly innocent party of the play:themselves, and only to leave them wordlessly nodding off the apology or sometime a mumble of something that cannot be heard but resounding in their heads,

"it's ok."

The realm of words seem to satisfy itself by being there to justify emotions and its own powers.

To speak with words initially was to be merely heard.
To use the voice to speak becomes letting the inner become the outer, letting the inner turmoil of emotions escape to the surface along with the words chosen to be used to utter with, to give a name to the turmoil blasting inside.

nothing sounds better to me than the silence.

i switched the music off even though i was carrying it with me on my morning jogs, but i still wore the earpiece faithfully, for fear the silence would break by removing them in the wee hours of the morning.

12:15

Monday, 24 September 2007

see the beautiful pictures, cant believe they're actually taken in SINGAPORE!!!

ok, thats a typical line, but due to my lack of imagination, i couldnt come up with a better line.

the stoned, concrete-ness of the pathway...

the solemn identity of the past...

the ancient tower holding a signifiance contrast with the evident present...

and two lost souls lingering at a time when all shops were closed.(to me, all shops meant all FOOD outlets at that place)

Beauitfully distant.(it's actually really a distantaway from where i live, so these two words holds more than one meaning, see.)

12:23

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

this is our future HOME!!!!!!!

Description:

~there's 3 levels

~3 Staircases

~4 Bedrooms

~3 Studyrooms

~2 Dressing rooms

~1 Storage room

~2 Relaxing rooms

~1 Kitchen (+ 1 semi-kitchen holding small kitchen appliances)

~1 Dining room

~1 Living room

~1 Sitting area(for us to wear our shoes before we go out)

haha. you must be wondering where the toilet is, or even if you're not, the toilets are hidden.

(well, actually i couldnt find any toilet pics that i like, thats why there's no toilet.haha)

hahaHA...lets concentrate on earning big bucks first.

(pls click the picture to see the whole thing.)

15:12

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

reminds me of ppl who ask me "na ge ji shi she me lai de?"

(translation - what is tt chicken?)

pls tell me how to ans a qns liddat.

i sounded more retard by saying "errr.. na ge ji shi na ge ji na qu za"

(translation - errr.. tt chicken is chicken... that is fried)

tt nTH person who asked this question TODAY is a guy whos around our age.

faints.

i sell fried chicken cutlet btw.

19:04

Saturday, 1 September 2007

thanks to the ending of the sem paper, i got to stay at home and laze around and watch some tv(ok, its watching tv for the whole day)
this is what i call the more retarded way of being alive.
haha.

the more retarded thing is or rather the more retarded people are the people who patronise my father's chicken rice-cum-duck rice-cum-pork rice-cum-wanton noodles-cum-duck noodles-cum-chicken noodles-cum-pork noodles stall today.

retarded no. 1 : old singh man

he came and order duck rice from me, and below is the scenerio of what actually happened.

singh: i want 1 duck rice, no babi (malay for pork), i dont want put babi, no babi put inside
(at this point of time, im already nodding my head to the extend its falling off, not to mention my ear drums are exploding thanks to his loud booming voice, and to think that he actually need to shout when im just standing beside him)
me: i know, ok.
singh: NO BABI!! dont put BABI inside the rice!! i dont want BABI!!!
me: ya, i know, duck rice.
singh: ya, duck rice, dont put babi inside, no babi with the duck, i dont want babi with the duck!
me: (exasperated and going to be deaf soon) YES!! I KNOW!!! DUCK RICE!!!
singh: ya, duck rice, no babi ar.

and there, after saying his 'final words' he leaves for his seat, but i have yet to ask him where his seat is, but i rather not and i was glad i didnt or else i would be in for another babi talk.

later in the afternoon came retarded no.2 : army recuit

this guy in army suit (i think he just got recuited coz he seem fresh out of camp) came to my father's stall (there's no need for me to list the food my father sells again since i've written almost the menu above) and the most unexpected thing came out of his mouth.

he said or rather asked, "you got sell fried fish?"

which was followed by a row of laughters (people in the coffeeshop) and my father replied,"you want then i fry for you loh, you want anything i also can fry for you loh"

my father's reply got a even louder response from the crowd in the coffeeshop, all of us were laughing our heads off. i dont know which nerve or screw of that retard's head got loose, but it definitely caused him not to think straight, how can a chicken rice stall sell fried fish??? that is so out of the menu!!! AND fish is seafood,it is not of the chicken rice genre, that's just so...ludicuous.

this goes to show, some people really do have a more retarded way of being alive. HA!

19:42

many different individuals that pass my life seem to be testing whatever thats test-able within me. let me name one example:

the guy with the name that suits a bird more than a human, but since he prefer to be called after a bird, then perhaps his brain works like one(a pea-brain, to be specific) who tried to test my integrity.
~this pea-brain firstly accused me, alleging i was the cause of him failing his project
~then, when i confronted him and asked him how he was SO SURE that i was the one who caused whatever he alleged me to have done, he stumbled and claimed that he saw my beautiful name on the piece of paper that marked him down for his project.
~after he made that claim, i went to check with the lecturer regarding the claim he made, the lecturer said he didnt show him the papers,not to mention any paper with my name on it. AND i was SURE i didnt wrote whatever he claimed he saw and my alibi was too, SURE & GUARANTEED that i didnt wrote whatever he claim his bird eyes saw.
~after checking with the lecturer, i was even more assured that i was framed and confronted that pea brain AGAIN, and this time he said that he didnt really saw my name but assumed it was me since it couldnt be the rest. following that, i did a cross -examination thing-y with him.

(summarised version)
me: why did you assumed that it was me who marked you down?
pea-brain: coz i saw your handwriting.
me: huh? you mean you actually saw my handwriting? you can recognise my handwriting ar?
p-b: erm... ya... sort of la... i think its your handwriting la...
me: ok, you describe to me what you saw, i want to know all the details of that handwriting you claimed to be mine.
p-b: the ink is blue and the 7 is written with a dash in the center.
me: HA! ok. then you must have made a mistake. because i NEVER write 7 the way you described
p-b: forget it la, i dont mind about who marked me down

HAHAHA!!!! right.
if you didnt mind, why point your finger at me and make up all that crap about you seeing my name on the paper and then saying its my handwriting when you are not even close to sure that it was me who marked you down.
pls, if it was really me who marked you down, i would have stated it out loud to your face, i wouldnt have deny a fact and confronted you. i had confronted you because i felt you need that clarification instead of me, because the truth lies as it is, it never falters, it is the person who lies and who has no integrity that falters when faced with the truth. dont you agree with that, Ravan?

17:36